And By Moonlight, Rise
by Terahlyanwe
Summary: Talia is born one year earlier; this changes everything and yet, nothing at all. Talia must traverse the increasingly treacherous grounds of the Collegium while recovering from her disastrous marriage, and keeping her daughter safe. Updates every Sunday and Wednesday.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I have only changed one thing: Talia's age. In this story, Talia was born one year earlier, thus, Rolan doesn't come looking for her till she's fourteen. In addition, Talia hasn't read the story of Herald-Mage Vanyel, because her father wouldn't come into possession of the book until she was fourteen as well. She's also one year older when Vris gets married, letting her have slightly more insight into her older sister's mind.

Girls on Holdings get married at thirteen, and Rolan doesn't come till she's fourteen. This makes a difference.

* * *

Talia, a sturdy child who looked younger than her thirteen years, sat perched in a tangle of surprisingly comfortable, gnarled roots. She was an odd sight to those familiar with Holderkin, with her unruly hair, and the book propped up in her lap - both counter to Holderkin morals and norms. While she read, however, she was arrayed properly in a very Holderkin-style tunic and, and was engaged in an appropriate feminine pastime: carding undyed wool.

She paused periodically to turn a page in her book before going back to her carding, and if the wool got more energetically carded when the book grew more interesting and exciting, well, it all got mixed together eventually, and it all got carded to some extent.

"Talia!"

the sharp cry brought the child out of her literary reverie in a split second. Her head shot up, the carding was stuffed back into her basket, and she climbed out of the jumbled roots with as much alacrity as she could summon.

 _"What have I done? Keldar never sounds this angry unless I've done something terrible!"_ she wracked her brain as she dragged her feet up the path, managing to combine sulkiness with surprising speed as she made her way to the door of the Holding, where Keldar, her father's Firstwife, stood waiting.

The woman was a model of Holderkin ideals and efficiency from her perfectly, tightly braided hair, to her clean and crisp apron. Talia, as usual, felt grubby and inadequate next to this paragon of femininity.

"Come along, child." Keldar said briskly, eyeing Talia with considerable distaste. "Cease your sulkiness. You're far too old to be dragging your feet like a little."

With that, Keldar strode inside, leaving Talia to once again bemoan her transparent emotions and Keldar's ability to predict precisely how Talia really felt about any given situation.

Without really noticing where Keldar was leading her, Talia followed the Firstwife into a room where she was immediately confronted by nine sets of blue and brown eyes ranging from Father's Mother's gentle brown gaze, to Isrel's habitually nervous glances. Talia gulped, set down her basket of wool, and clasped her hands behind her back.

 _"And now I find out what it is they've discovered I've done."_ she thought resignedly, and tried to paste a neutral expression onto her face.

Keldar took her seat with the other wives, and all ten women regarded Talia, who felt she rather knew what a chicken felt like when confronted with the axe.

"It's your thirteenth Birthing Day today, child," Keldar began, and Talia nearly burst out laughing with relief.

Her Birthing Day! Why, then the worst she had to look forward to was a lecture on responsibility and her duties! She very nearly relaxed when she suddenly remembered that her sister Vris had married when she was just thirteen, and sobered again abruptly, remembering the high-necked tunics and stiff gait her elder sister had been sporting at the last temple meeting. Vris had not come close enough to speak with Talia, but Talia had watched her as closely as she dared during the service, and was sure she'd seen dark bruises when the long sleeves of Vris's tunic shifted above her thin wrists.

Talia broke herself out of her remembrance and fear just in time to hear Isrel, who had apparently taken over the lecture - " _What had it been about? Oh goddess, I hope I didn't miss anything important."_ Talia thought - conclude her portion of Talia's annual Birthing Day scolding with a nervous giggle and inquiry of

"So which would you rather it be?"

Talia froze, mind racing as she tried to imagine what the question had been in the first place.

"There are benefits to both..." she hedged cautiously, trying to keep her hands from wringing or her knees from trembling.

"Well, child?" Keldar asked impatiently, and with more than a touch of real anger. Talia took an inadvertent step backwards and clutched the sides of her tunic with both hands.

"I would be grateful if you would guide me in my choice." she told Keldar, feeling like she'd chosen perhaps the only safe option. Whatever these choices were, she knew that if she picked the "wrong" one, even if she had ostensibly been given free reign to make her own decision, Keldar would make her life miserable.

The Wives faces perked up, but when Father's Mother cleared her throat, all of them fell respectfully silent.

"You are a good child, Talia," she said, casting her warm gaze over the girl, "but you are prone to fits of fancy and thoughtlessness. On the other hand, you are intelligent and good with the littles as well as with coordinating large efforts, so I believe you would do equally well as either a Firstwife or Underwife."

Talia blanched deeply; she could feel herself growing slightly dizzy. Marriage! She had thought of Vris and her bruises as a worst possible option to Keldar calling her in and for once her pessimism had been utterly accurate. Talia's throat nearly closed over and she fought back the tears that threatened in her burning eyes.

Knowing she could not possibly speak, she inclined her head to Father's Mother and hoped her silence would be taken for respect.

"Perhaps being a Firstwife would force her into maturity," Keldar commented, "but her forgetfulness could cause many disasters, were she to wed a man with his own Holding."

"Being an Underwife is so much simpler, especially when one is young." Isrel chimed in, agreeing with Keldar by rote.

Talia fought to keep her feet from fleeing out the door and taking the rest of her with it, but her shuffling caught Isrel's attention.

"Talia has something to say!" Isrel said with a nervous titter.

Talia did _not_ , in fact, have something to say, but with her mind clouded with fear, her throat with a lump, and her stomach with a dozen badgers trying to claw their way out, she could only think of one thing, and she blurted it out in a rush.

"Please, oh please, pick someone who is kind. And gentle." she pleaded, fingers twisting in her tunic involuntarily.

"I don't want to have to wear high necked tunics to hide bruises." she finished, somewhat lamely, and flushed, focusing on the floor as to avoid the Wives' glares.

To her shock, no one mocked her; not even Keldar had something cutting to say. Father's Mother lifted Talia's chin gently with one hand.

"Everyone wishes for a kind husband when they are young." she told Talia earnestly, "Most men are kind, but with some, that kindness must be searched for and nurtured before it grows evident."

Talia's lip quivered. This was not what she meant! She didn't want any husband, not even a kind one. She wanted...she wanted...she didn't know what she wanted. She wanted to read books, and not to watch all twenty of the littles at once, and to sit in her secret cave and daydream, and to do something heroic, like rescue a princess.

She kept all this inside, however, and was summarily dismissed with her carding combs and wool while the Wives, presumably, picked out her future husband.

Talia fled, once outside the Holding, feet flying and throat getting increasingly more painful and swollen as she sped towards the steep embankment where she'd found a tiny cave years before.

Once there she flung herself through the small opening onto the bits of rag and rug she'd accumulated in her hidey-hole and let herself sob as she'd been wanting to do since Father's Mother had said the word "wife."

Face-down in her musty rugs, Talia wept until she was hiccoughing and gagging from it, then she sat up, rubbed her eyes, and took deep, slow breaths until the raggedness eased from her lungs. She felt sore and tender inside with every breath as though her heart and brain had gotten battered and bruised.

 _Married._ Another sob threatened to escape her, but she forced it down ruthlessly.

She would be married soon, and pregnant not a moment after that, and then she would likely die or be worn out with a babe a year, or every two years if she were lucky, and probably die in the birthing bed as her mother had done with Talia herself.

By this time the sun had fallen low in the sky, and Talia reluctantly crawled out of the cave with her basket and trudged back to the Holding.

She detoured by the workroom to replace her basket of carding, the book tucked into the side of it, but presented herself in the kitchen with a clean face and hands, for once right on time to help make supper.

Keldar turned in response to the large, creaky kitchen door swinging open and the look of surprise on her face was somewhat gratifying, but mostly irritated Talia.

 _I can be on time._ she thought resentfully. _I'm responsible, even if you've never wanted to see it!_

But she kept her face blank and as blandly respectful as she could manage. Keldar pointed at a pile of onions with a long, wickedly sharp knife that none of the littles were allowed to touch.

"Dice those, girl." Keldar instructed, and turned back to her own work.

Talia diced dutifully, mind empty with exhaustion and fear. Formless, wordless questions swirled in her brain as she went from one task to another, to supper, to bathing the littles, to her own, cold bath, and to bed. As soon as her head hit the pillow, she fell asleep, and her dreams were filled with more of the same, formless, fearful queries.

"Child."

Talia sat bolt upright, clutching at the covers, inadvertently yanking them away from Aylin, who was on the far side of the bed from her. Keldar came into view as she blinked the haziness of sleep out of her eyes.

"Keldar? I...I..." Talia couldn't remember anything she'd done which was bad enough for the Firstwife to awaken her so early. As her vision cleared further, she realized that Keldar didn't look angry, merely slightly annoyed, which was one of the most positive expressions her father's wife ever directed at her.

"Get dressed and come to the wives' workroom." Keldar said briskly - the woman was always brisk, short, commonsensical, or some variation thereof - and vanished down the stairs out of the attic.

Talia scrubbed at her eyes for a moment, then dressed as quickly as she could and ran down the stairs, still tying the waistband of her trews.

Once through the door to the workroom, she saw with a sinking heart that all the Wives and Father's Mother were once again assembled and waiting for her. Much more slowly, she sidled against the wall and folded her hands resignedly.

"The Wives rise at this hour." Asena, one of the youngest Wives spoke up unexpectedly, making Talia flinch. Asena rolled her eyes but went on placidly,

"It's a mark and a half before sunrise; this is only slightly earlier than when we habitually rise. You've never been allowed in our rooms, but we have several, which we all share. Your honored father, of course, has his own room."

The enormity of the lecture suddenly dawned on Talia. This was How To Be A Wife - a lesson she'd never wanted. Despite herself, she was intrigued. The Wives and her Honored Father's lives had always been a mystery to her.

"We sleep in our own beds every night unless your honored father indicates that we are to share his bed. One of us does so every night. When we share his bed, we do whatever he wishes. We do not protest or attempt to put him off no matter our own feelings on the matter. It is our duty to fulfill his desires."

"Unless we're having our we tell him and he leaves us alone." Isrel jumped in with her habitual nervous giggle, which was abruptly swallowed when Keldar shot her a _look._

"There are only two reasons why we would not share his bed: if we have our courses, or if we are ill. " Keldar said firmly. "This does include the month-long course after having a babe." she added.

Talia swallowed hard. This was not making marriage sound any more attractive.

"We are getting slightly off track." Keldar sighed, then visibly gathered her train of thought.

"We rise a mark before dawn, and begin our morning work a half mark before." she said. "We begin with breakfast. The eldest of the littles assist us." she nodded at Talia, who was intimately familiar with the making of breakfast.

"Not all of us are needed to make porridge and put the loaves in the oven, of course." Keldar continued, "the rest of us rouse the littles, nurse the babes, and direct the oldest as they dress the youngers."

Talia sat, primly upright through the entirety of the interminable lecture. Her eyes felt like they were glazing over, but she memorized every word. Keldar's wrath over forgotten instructions was to be avoided at all costs; forgetting these words would surely be even worse!

The candle on the center of the table spat and hissed, indicating a mark before sun's rising, and the Wives rose. Talia stood as well, beckoned by Keldar's imperious finger.

"You will spend every day from now till your wedding with one of us." she told Talia, who beat back tears at the proclamation. No more stolen hours for herself?

"Today, you will work with me, and see what goes into being a Firstwife."

Talia's head was spinning by the time they put the last little to bed that night. Who knew that Keldar did so much! She planned each meal, organized all the littles' tasks, arbitrated between the underwives disagreements, alternately cared for and scolded littles, cooked, wove, spun, dyed, sewed, cleaned, and organized almost literally everything on the Hold. Talia was reluctantly in awe of the woman in a way she had never been before.

She trudged down the stairs to take her own nightly bath, making a face at the thought of the cold, dingy water which would be left to her after all the younger littles had bathed. To her surprise, the Wives and her father were all in the kitchen filling their own basins. She stopped in her shock, only to be prodded into movement when Keldar handed her a basin.

"I did say you would spend every day with us." she reminded Talia, looking faintly amused. "That includes bathing as a Wife does, and sleeping when, and how much a wife does."

Hot water! Talia nearly clapped with glee until she remembered not to drop her basin. She could count the number of times she'd gotten a truly hot bath since being a little herself on one hand! With fingers left over!

The days fairly flew past, and they were more full than any Talia had previously had. In addition to spending each day with each of the Wives, she also slept less, and had more work to do. Talia and the Wives were nearly frantic in their pace as they sewed and prepared all that was necessary for Talia to take with her when she wed. Blankets, quilts, sheets, clothing suitable for an adult female, soaps, and tiny clothing for her first babes all had to be finished. Nearly nothing had to be started from scratch - Talia realized they had been planning for her to wed at this time all along. It oughtn't to have surprised her this much, she mused to herself in one of the few moments she had to sit and think - albeit while busy with her needle - every holder girl she'd ever heard of was married at thirteen or fourteen.

Married. She bent her head over her work to let her shoulder-length hair spill over her face to hide her expression.

Oh, Goddess, she didn't _want_ to be married! She feared and loathed the notion equally. But...what else could she do? The drudges who worked the nastiest and lowest jobs on the Hold were disgraced daughters of other Holdings who had failed too egregiously to wed, and too outrageously to be sent to the Goddess's cloister.

So; to be wed, to be a (prematurely aged, broken, and abused) drudge, or to be a cloistered, silent votary? It was no choice at all.

Talia silently wept over her sewing.

"Talia." she snapped upright in response to the sharply worded call.

"Asena?" she recognized the young Wife, only two years older than herself, who stood before Talia with her first - and so far, only - child dandled on her hip.

Asena's face softened when she saw the traces of tears on Talia's face. She sighed, and sat down next to the girl, setting the little on the floor to amuse himself with scraps of cloth.

"Keldar sent me here to give you the last talk." she explained, reaching for Talia's work and setting it aside.

"The last talk?" Talia asked, apprehension rising. Asena blinked.

"The last talk before your wedding." she clarified.

"Before my wedding?!" Talia's voice rose another octave, but just as she reached a pure panic, she was shaken, hard. Her eyes snapped back to Asena's face, who was watching her with something like sympathy.

"It's frightening, yes, but you needn't be terrified." Asena told her firmly, and leaned back against the wall. "So be silent and listen!" her words were tempered with a hint of a smile.

"Keldar and the others have already told you to be obedient in all things to your honored husband and elder sister-wives. I have seen that you are very obedient to your honored father, and only slightly less so to your elder brothers."

Asena paused, gathering her thoughts.

"I do not want to frighten you unecessarily, but you must follow that advice _no matter what_. It is your _duty_ to obey your honored husband in all things. You may advise him, but you may not argue. You _will not_ like the results if you are not obedient. Talia."

Asena looked at her very seriously, and Talia shivered a little under the weight of that gaze.

"It may not seem possible to you, but you have had remarkable freedom as a girlchild, and remarkable leeway. You read, you sit in trees, you read _tales_ , you linger at your tasks, and you have not been treated as harshly as I was as a girlchild for my own lesser offences. Talia. As a wife, you must be perfect. Your honored husband will not forgive less.

"I have been given leave to tell you that you will be a Firstwife. There is a young man, Alessin, whose first and only wife has just died. There is one little of two summers. His wife and babe died in the birthing bed this last month. He lives in his father's Hold, only a half-day by cart from here, but I expect once he takes a few more Wives he will move to his own Hold. From all accounts he's a genial young man, only eighteen years old, but very sober."

Talia had begun to shiver compulsively. Alessin. Her husband. She had _known_ she would be wed, and soon, but hearing the name of her future spouse made it terrifyingly present, and sudden.

"Obey my honored husband in all things." she repeated faintly. "I can obey." Asena gave a short, approving nod.

"In _all_ things, Talia." she emphasized. " _Especially_ in the marriage bed. You've seen the animals, and presumably you paid attention when your honored Father's Mother spoke to you of your wifely duties..."

Talia flushed and nodded.

"Relax."

Talia eased her shoulders down and loosened the grip her fingers had on one another.

"No!" Asena laughed. "In the marriage bed. Relax. It will hurt more if you are tense. It hurts less and less with time as your body learns what it must do, but the tenser you are, the more it will hurt. The men expect some fear and blood - "

Talia blanched. Blood?!

" - but truly, not all women bleed, and as long as you're shy, as befits a maiden, there ought not be any cries of infidelity."

Talia was baffled. She'd never been out of the Holding after dark, unless she were on sheep watch, and the only cries of infidelity she'd heard directed at a woman was on the rare occasion that some girl went soft in the head and spent the night elsewhere. She had vague recollections of anger and outrage when a marriageable girl and boy - but unwed - were found in a barn together, but she'd been in barns many times with her brothers...

She gave the conundrum up as something she would mysteriously understand after her wedding and nodded along with Asena's gentle lecture.

Be obedient, don't loiter about her work, and relax in the marriage bed. She could do that.

Despite the faint sense of determination she'd felt a few days earlier, Talia was literally shaking with fear three mornings later, as her father's wives filled the room around her with last minute instructions, advice, and adjustments to her wedding clothes. The instructions and advice were all reiterations of earlier lectures, and her wedding clothes were just as serviceable and practical as any grown woman's dayclothes, although they were the first brand new articles of clothing she'd ever owned. The only way they differed was in the color - the clothes were a dark blue, symbolic of her purity, with tan and brown embroidered prayer sigils around the hems and cuffs of her long tunic and trews.

The wives were full of excitment and faint sympathy for her pale face and trembling hands. Even Keldar had softened her habitual stern and unforgiving demeanor long enough to seize Talia's hands and hold them tight for a moment just before the wives had made to accompany Talia out the door. Talia had clung to the Firstwife, uncharacteristically fond of the woman, or perhaps the illusion that as long as Keldar was near, Talia would revert to being a child too young to wed.

Keldar, however, had used Talia's grip to pull the girl out of the bedroom the Firstwife shared with Isrel, and into the hall, where her father was waiting.

"Come along, daughter." he barely glanced at her before sighing and taking her arm from Keldar and striding off down the hall. Talia, always petrified of her honored father, his thick leather belt and strong swinging arm, trotted alongside him meekly.

The rest of the day was a blur. She faintly recalled standing in the chapel in front of the entirety of her and Alessin's families, her hand being enveloped by a large, dry one, and a glimpse of dark brown eyes and darker hair in the moment she dared glance up at his face.

The priest, or at least she assumed he was a priest, who performed the ceremony droned on and on interminably. Talia, absolutely petrified, only caught bits of his sermon here and there, and most of that dedicated to obedience to her husband and God.

And then she was swept away to the feast. She and Alessin were seated on a dais with her father, Father's Mother, and Alessin's parents, with the rest of the Wives seated around them, and the littles interspersed near their mothers at their own small tables. It was a relatively hushed affair, characteristic of the Holderkin ideals of modesty and somberness in behavior.

She didn't taste any of the food she choked down, not even the sweetcakes she normally adored, or the neppy soup, which was her favorite. She merely sat, occasionally swallowing a tasteless bite, and supressing the urge to flinch every time Alessin's hand or leg brushed hers.

 _Obedient. Do not loiter. Relax._

Asena's advice ran through her head like a mantra; a bargain that she must fulfill to avoid bruises and high-necked tunics like Vris's.

 _Obedient._

She allowed Alessin to take her hand and pull her to her feet.

 _Do not loiter._

She followed him, neither hurrying nor hanging back as he led her to the horses they would ride to his Holding.

 _Relax_.

This she found simpler than the others. Riding was second nature to her, and she relaxed into the horse's paces, even though they were moving far faster than the stolid plow horses and mules she'd ridden before.

 _Obedient._

She followed her husband to his Holding.


	2. Chapter 2

Content Warning: sexual assault, implied marital rape (non-explicit), non-consensual oral sex, implied physical abuse.

* * *

The ride, under other circumstances, would have delighted Talia. The horses they were riding were spirited, fast beasts - the sort the menfolk rode to defend against bandit raids. It was cool, but not yet cold this early in the evening, and as the sun sank closer to the horizon, vibrant colors lit up the clouds and mountain peaks.

Talia had no eye for beauty or adventure, however, and let herself be carried along in Alessin's wake. Her terror had subsided, if only slightly, by the time they arrived at Julsholding, and for the first time, found herself enough in control of her faculties to study her husband's face as he lifted her down from her horse.

He was thin, in a wiry sort of way, she noted. Cleft chin and handsome, like most of the Holdermen were. It made her nervous how handsome he was. Her brother, Justus, had been possessed of the face of an angel, and the heart of a demon. She clenched her hand around the burn scar on her hand that Justus had left with a red-hot poker, and her fear flashed again.

Alessin must have seen it, because he sighed and tipped her face up with a hand. She found herself focusing on the waves of his hair rather than his face as he did so.

"Do try to contain yourself." he said dryly. "I'm hardly going to thrash you all the way to bed."

Talia gulped and studied his hair more intently, but nodded hesitantly. He took her hand again, as he had done at their wedding, and led her inside.

Julsholding was very similar to Sensholding which, she supposed, was to be expected. Holdings were modeled to be as efficient as possible, after all, and what's more efficient than making all the Holdings alike?

She recognized the wives' workroom, kitchen, library, and stairs to the attic where the littles slept as he led her towards the sons' wing.

Most sons spent their first few married years at their father's Holding, which were built to accommodate the generational families. The sons' wing was a small version of the wing which held the patriarch and wives' quarters, though not as expansive and not meant for more than a half a dozen littles and perhaps two wives.

Talia's steps lagged despite herself, and to her horror she felt tears begin to slip down her face as he tugged her into a tidy bedroom mostly filled with one, large bed.

Alessin let go of her hand once they were inside to close and latch the door, paying no mind to his trembling, tearful child bride.

"They - the rest of the Hold - won't be back for hours." he told her opening the shutters and letting in a flood of light.

"I've heard that other folks send their newly wedded off to be alone for a few weeks, but," he laughed shortly, briskly beginning to undress "that would deprive the Holding of two able-bodied workers for a fortnight. We get half a day of privacy, and then down to business."

He sat on the edge of the bed in his trews and boots and patted the quilt next to him. Talia reluctantly crossed the room and sat where he indicated, taking care to keep her limbs close enough to her body that they didn't touch him.

"You haven't said a word to me, nor in my presence." he commented, tugging at his boots. Talia remained in petrified silence.

He glanced at her sidelong as he put his boots away in the wardrobe.

"That was," he said dryly, "your cue to say something to me."

"Wha..what would you like me to say?" Talia remained hunched over, hair hiding her face and teary eyes.

"That response will do for now." he sighed, then, in somewhat concerned tones, "Your father's wives did explain what happens now, yes?"

"Yes." Talia's voice was a miserable whisper. "Relax. It's as the animals do. Obey you."

She sensed rather than saw him roll his eyes. "That is the gist of it, I suppose. Taking one's clothes off facilitates matters as well."

Talia was frozen with fear and embarassment again. She hadn't been bare in front of anyone but the littlest of the littles in her whole life. The tears, which had halted for the moment, started up again with a vengeance.

"Tears won't help you. Stop that." he ordered. Talia gulped, hard, attempting to stop crying, and failed miserably.

"God above." he grabbed her tunic and pulled it over her head. Talia's arms snapped to cover her chest automatically, but he caught them mid-movement.

"Take your shoes and trews off." Alessin ordered.

Caught with the direct command - _Be obedient_ \- Talia bent and pulled off her boots and socks, then tangled her fingers in the linen waistband of her trews.

"Off!" Alessin yanked the waist down to her knees, flipped her stomach-down on the bed, and pulled them off the rest of the way, leaving her bare. Talia's silent tears turned to not-so-silent sobs, but she lay limp and unresistant, crying into her folded arms.

"Stop that." he ordered again, fruitlessly, and pulled her to her feet. He held up upright with a bruising grip on her upper arm, and turned down the covers on the bed with his other hand.

"Tess did _not_ cry this much." he complained, and picked her up and forcibly placed her on the bed. She flung an arm over her face as he stripped off his own trews.

Unlike at the wedding when her mind had been blank with fear, now she was gibbering and tense with it.

"Stop fighting me." he sounded annoyed as he pulled at her knees. Mortified, but more afraid of the consequences if she disobeyed, she forced herself to relax and let him pull her knees apart settle himself between her legs.

"Relax." his voice was a little more soothing now, as though he were settling a frightened lamb. She had the oddest sensation - or what was closest to the description of a sensation that she knew - that he mostly wanted to get this over with. Some...excitement? Relief? Talia couldn't parse it, but with this additional, puzzling stimuli, she was able to lie perfectly still, despite the pain and fear.

 _Relax. Obey._

She endured.

She remained perfectly still afterwards; intentionally limp. Was that the end of it? Was the bedding done with?

She turned her head and dared a peek at him; his eyes were closed, and his face blissful. He was asleep.

Talia considered creeping out of the bed to put her clothes back on, but caution won out, and she settled for pulling the sheet and quilt up to her chin - and his as well - and closed her own eyes.

Alessin woke after a mark and a half, coming awake slowly enough that Talia knew he was rousing before Alessin did. She hadn't moved, was still crowded into the wall at the edge of the bed with the blankets drawn up to her chin, knees and elbows tightly pressed together, and hands clutching the blankets.

She must have looked a sight, because once her husband had opened his eyes, he appeared taken aback when he saw her.

"I suppose you didn't sleep." it wasn't a question. Talia once again had the bizzare sensation that she was sensing an emanation of sorts from him. Exasperation, perhaps? No vindictiveness, though, and it made her brave.

"No. I'm tired but I couldn't sleep." she admitted, with her eyes modestly downcast.

He rolled onto his back again and stretched long and luxuriously. "You're tense and afraid." he said unexpectedly, eyes fixed on the ceiling.

"Tess was afraid, too, when I married her, and the bedding hurt her at first, too."

It was on the tip of Talia's tongue to ask why it had to hurt, if there wasn't some way to make it not hurt, but she swallowed the questions whole and tried to suppress the inquisitive portion of her mind. _This is the way it is. Life isn't an adventure in a book._

"Father told me, before I wed Tess, that it was best to get the first beddings over and done with no matter how much a wife cried, that over time it would get better and they wouldn't cry anymore."

He rolled onto his side and tugged Talia away from the wall with his spare hand. She automatically tensed with remembered and current pain.

 _"No, not again, please!"_

"So don't worry," he continued, shifting on top of her and between her knees. "Relax - like your father's wives said - and you'll get used to it."

It took Talia two weeks to "get used to it," and a similar amount of time to adapt to life in Julsholding. So many things were subtly different, and she was constantly disoriented by the new names, faces, expectations, and above all else, the emotional waves that buffeted her whenever she was within a few rooms of anyone.

She taught herself, with limited success, to block out the mental noise long enough to focus on specific tasks or fall asleep by imagining that there was music - the hymns that Holderfolk sang in somber tones on select occasions - in her head, louder than the "noise." It was just barely enough to permit her a semblance of normalcy.

Following the Wives' schedule at Sensholding for the few weeks after her thirteen birthing day and before her wedding let her slip into the rhythm of waking and sleeping with the other wives at Julsholding, but it took her time to learn her social position within the hierarchy.

Alessin's father, Julin, was, of course, the voice of power on Julsholding, and Alessin a close second, but ultimately subordinate. This was a dynamic she was familiar with, for her brother Andrean had had a similar relationship with their father before he died. Andrean, however, had been unmarried, and her elder, married brothers had moved into their own Holdings with their wives and littles before she had been old enough to pay attention to how their wives interacted with her father's.

The blur of names, faces, and feelings which were Julin's wives were of help in this. They treated her a little like Asena had - friendly and instructive from an authoritative standpoint - and a little like her older sister Vris had treated her - like a friend, but one who was still a little below you in hierarchy.

She responded to all of their overtures with deference and a touch of gratitude, and it seemed to be enough.

The littles were far easier - all littles were alike. This being such a well run and established Holding, there wasn't an obvious need for any of Talia's specific skills, so she defaulted to some cleaning and cooking the littles weren't trusted with, but the other wives were too busy to bother about, and watching the littles. Tess's little had been taken in hand by Julin's wives, so other than slotting herself into regular little-watching duties she spent little time devoted solely to tiny Suno.

She spent little time devoted to anything or anyone in particular besides Alessin, who was prone to whisking her away from the wives and into their rooms, or out to ride on the hillsides, whenever he was not particularly occupied.

Talia resented the constant attention from him, always anxious that he would want to bed her again - she was always sore and aching in the first few weeks from it - and if he didn't bed her, she was anxious that she would say something of which Alessin would disapprove. Around him she tried to say as little as possible, in fear of his temper which hadn't quite manifested yet, but which she was sure existed.

It took a month before she felt truly settled and all her new routines were set. She had memorized all the names and faces on Julsholding from Julin to the three drudges with dirty hair and bruised faces who scrubbed the privies and pigsties and huddled, afraid, away from anyone who walked by.

Talia stretched one day as she walked out of her and Alessin's room and thought, to her shock, that she overall preferred married life to life at Sensholding. _If only,_ she mused wistfully, _if I could live like this without Alessin._ Then, scandalized at her own undecorous thoughts, she punished herself by not cracking open any of the three, worn books she had been permitted to bring with her to Julsholding all day.

It was later that evening, just before nightly bathing, that Alessin tugged her into bed and pushed at her hips, and dropped his hand between her legs, his normally somber face turned expressive in bed with her, then pulled away with shock and disgust written all over his handsome features.

"You're not pregnant!" he accused in a mixture of anger and disappointment.

"I'm...not?" Talia tensed automatically when he spoke, and rolled to her side to look at him. Alessin waved hand at her and she noticed his fingertips were tinged with red. Blood, she realized, and hers.

"I'm not." she said again, as confirmation and with concealed relief.

"Don't let me touch you when you're bleeding! It's disgusting!" his voice rose proportionally with the waves of roiling anger which battered against Talia.

"I'm sorry." her voice was small and placating. "I didn't know my monthlies had started till just now."

"And why aren't you pregnant? You're supposed to be! You're supposed to be from the bedding. Tess didn't have any monthlies from when we wed till she died." it hit her like an accusation, as it always did when he mentioned Tess. Tess hadn't cried as much as Talia did. Tess had gotten with child right away. Tess had possessed breasts and hips and long hair, unlike thin, boyish, Talia. Alessin even regarded Tess's death as something laudable - she'd died in the birthing bed, after all, which was a perfectly acceptable way for a woman to die. Expected even.

A wave of mild, petty vindictiveness and anticipation rolled over Talia, thick with the feeling of _Alessin_. She glanced up at him apprehensively.

"Well." he rolled the word over his tongue till it sounded rich and sinuous. "I'll use your mouth instead of your..." Talia and Alessin simultaneously realized they had no vocabulary for the parts of Talia that Alessin craved so much. "...hole." Alessin finished with outward confidence, but an invisible flush of embarrassment.

"Wha...what?" Talia stammered, blushing from her forehead to the tops of her breasts.

"Your mouth. It's your duty to serve me, and you can't in the normal fashion, so... serve." he pushed the covers to his knees and lay back on the bed. Talia stared at him, then his half-stiff prick, and flushed a deeper, miserable hue. Hesitantly she reached out and touched it, cognizant in a subtly confused but amused way that this, after a month of marriage, was the first time she'd looked directly at it.

"Firmer grip. Put it in your mouth." he directed in a lazy tone, but the emotional tone she was reading from him was now mostly excited anticipation.

Talia screwed up her nerve and her nose, wishing fervently this could have occurred _after_ bathing, and slid his prick between her lips. It scraped a little against her teeth; he hissed and tensed immediately.

"Teeth!" he screeched. "You dumb, missish bitch! Don't touch me with your teeth!"

This was easier said than done, Talia reflected dourly, but adjusted her lips so they covered the edges of her teeth and pondered her next movement. When they were bedding, Alessin clearly pulled partway out then pushed back in, so...do that? She bobbed her head down and immediately gagged, tears springing to her eyes as her throat closed up.

So...less at a time? Talia pulled off, then took it back in her mouth, a little less this time.

"Use your hands, too." Talia peered up awkwardly around the prick in her mouth and the hair in her eyes and twisted her hand gently, experimently. This part of her husband did seem to be awfully tender. She was rewarded with a heartfelt moan.

This was...surprisingly not awful. Not nearly as painful as bedding often was, at any rate.

Talia went to it with renewed energy and a surge of appreciation for her monthlies. She categorized and memorized what made Alessin's breath hitch and his fingers tighten in her hair, and what seemed to bore him. She discovered that following her mouth with a hand should probably be her default, that flickers of her tongue made him gasp, and when she accidentally sucked when trying to take a breath, that it was apparently extremely pleasurable.

Her odd ability to sense emotions, while usually bordering on overwhelming, was proving to be extremely useful for this. Talia shoved down her gag relex and concentrated on all the things that Alessin seemed to like best in hopes of getting him to that point where he rolled off her and went to sleep. Her jaw was beginning to ache abominably.

All at once as she sped up her bobbing, wrist-twists and sucking, Alessin stiffened, pulled her hair, thrust up into her mouth, and a metaphorical flood of pleasure emanated from him at the same time as a bitter, salty fluid gushed into her mouth, choking her. She couldn't spit it out, since due to Alessin's grip on her hair, and she couldn't pull away from his literally pulsing - how had she never noticed the _pulsing_ before?! - prick. Talia, left without any other option, tried to swallow it, and only halfway succeeded. Most of it dribbled out of the corners of her mouth and down her chin.

Alessin, now sagging back onto the pillow, legs akimbo and his hands - thankfully no longer pulling Talia's head down - at his side.

"That was...Tess never got that good." he said, wondering. Talia wiped her chin and got up to get her rag clout to put in her trews, crossly thinking that Alessin would be much more pleasant if he stopped comparing her to Tess at every possible opportunity.

She worked her jaw as she adjusted the cloth belt which held her clout in place and considered the act to which she'd just been introduced. Alessin was still limp on the bed, lolling with his damp, soft cock stuck to his upper thigh. Talia suppressed an incredulous giggle. She had done that, all herself. Instead of her lying there, passive and waiting for it to be over, Alessin had filled her role instead!

Or rather, she mused, she had been active but Alessin was still the only one who got the crescendo of pure pleasure. It was a pity, she thought, that only men got that. It seemed like something she'd like to experience first hand.

Alessin finally peeled himself off the bed and into his trews and tunic, and the two went down to the kitchen just in time to get the last of the hot water for their evening baths. When they finally went to bed, Talia was still buzzing with a mental thrill and an odd sense of power.

She, Talia, had done all of that herself. She, Talia, had done it better than _Tess._ As she drifted off to sleep, Talia felt a very inappropriate sense of superiority towards her deceased sister-wife. Finally! Something at which she was better than Tess.

* * *

Talia paused from loading the wagon and knuckled the small of her back as she stretched. It was a futile attempt to relieve the persistent ache which had settled there with increasing ferocity as her stomach grew to accomodate the child within. Gemna, six months younger than Talia and stomach not yet showing her own, new pregnancy walked up beside her with a wry smile. Tess's little, Suno bounded alongside her with gaiety, proudly carrying a tiny bundle of his own clothing.

"I'm not looking forward to that." she commented on Talia's peculiar posture, setting her own burden into the cart.

"I'm not looking forward to running a Holding of four." Talia retorted lightly to hide her extreme apprehension at the notion of taking up the mantle of Firstwife in a brand new Holding when less than a month away from birthing.

"Soon to be seven." Gemna eyed their stomachs meaningfully, and no small apprehension of her own. Talia, of course, picked up on the thread of unease and fear immediately.

"Telea will only be a half candlemark away." she reassured the girl, feeling like an old hand at marriage after ten months of it to Gemna's two. A yawn threatened and Talia pushed it, and her bone-deep weariness down.

"As you say..." Gemna deferred immediately, then brightened. "Perhaps the Healer can tell us if anything's amiss."

Talia snorted and headed back to the Holding for another load, pausing a moment to regain her balance as her head swam. She automatically caught Suno's hand as he bolted past them, waving one of his tunics like a flag and carried his protesting self along in her wake once her vision settled. "Healer Rathis is here to to tend Julin's leg, not look at two women going through a perfectly natural and routine occurence." she responded, ignoring Gemna's concerned look at her brief stumble.

Resentment flavored Talia's thoughts. Julin had hurt his knee trying to break a wild colt, a task anyone would know was better left to younger and more flexible lads than a grey-haired man nearing his sixth decade. Talia had been ill her entire pregnancy, but neither Julin nor Alessin had called for a Healer when she fainted at her weaving the week prior. No, and she hadn't been excused from working the rest of the day, either. Julin, on the other hand, had called for a Healer the moment his ass hit the courtyard.

Gemna fell silent, chagrin for her words emanating from her with every step.

"No, Gemna." Talia regretted her hasty words. "I wasn't serious. I do think a Healer should see women as well. It's just..."

Gemna offered her an unconvincing smile. "Just not done."

Apathy. That was what filled Gemna whenever their conversation turned towards the differing stations of men and women in their world, and it bothered Talia more than her own undutifully resentful thoughts. Gemna should always be lighthearted and carefree, not solemn and braced for blows that had started falling more heavily and with more frequency as time went on.

Talia's heart ached for her sister by marriage. Gemna often seemed even younger than Talia had felt when she was first wed, and she nurtured the thought carefully.

If Gemna was too young, and they were really the same age - just a half a year apart - then Talia was too young as well. If Gemna was still a child, then wasn't Talia also? Shouldn't Talia, Gemna and all the other girls on the Holds married and pregnant at thirteen be able to work and play without worrying about husbands and littles and beatings?

Talia pushed away the deep anger and anxiety which came with these thoughts and settled Suno onto her hip. Gemna trailed behind her dutifully, as befit an Underwife - _Ridiculous!_ Talia thought bitterly. _We're the same age!_ \- to the storage rooms which had been accumulating supplies for Alessin's eventual Holding since it became clear he would survive infancy.

Their route took them past Julin's library, and proffered a glimpse at the green-clad Healer. The sight being a rarity in Holderkin lands, Gemna lagged behind a moment to peer surreptitiously through the open door. Talia stopped as well when Gemna disappeared from her peripheral vision, then rolled her eyes when she turned to see Gemna bending awkwardly around the doorframe. She set Suno down - to the child's apparent unendurable sadness - fighting against nausea and dizziness. She managed to raise an eyebrow meaningfully, though, when Gemna glanced up guiltily from her spying. _I take it back. We're not the same age at all._ Responsibility was settled into Talia's shoulders like a tangible weight. The same notion had very obviously escaped Gemna.

"Let's be on with our work. There's much to do and little daylight in which to accomplish it." is what Talia had intended to say with all the assumed gravitas of a Firstwife she could summon. What she actually said was a confused and slurred "What?" as she pitched facefirst through the open door, just barely cognizant enough to twist and land on her side as she fainted. A blur of green and a buzz of concern were the last things she sensed.

* * *

A/N: Freebie extra chapter! You'll get another one tomorrow as well. I have quite a few written already, and I'm kinda impatient to post them since they're already done. I've never - ever! - had more than one extra chapter written in advance before.

Wanna beta-read/edit? PM me!


	3. Chapter 3

"...bound to Heal whoever is ill! The Queen couldn't order me out of this room, sir, and some jumped up excuse for a borderlord is hardly going to sway me where Herself would fail!"

Talia's eyes fluttered; the raised voices rousing her before any other external stimuli. She was vaguely aware that she was in bed. A bed. Not the one she and Gemna shared on the exceedingly rare nights he didn't have one or both of the two sleeping with him. The light was stabbing into her eyes, and the emotional noise hurt her brain. While she could usually block the latter out to some extent, she was having extreme difficulty concentrating, which reduced her ability to push the "noise" away.

Anger, from everyone in the room except - ah, there was Gemna's usual curiosity overlaid with anxiety and concern. The strongest anger was from Julin, who was currently ranting.

"...paid for you to come tend me, not this fainting wife!"

A flare of possessiveness which could only come from Alessin.

Talia let her barely open lids close again. So he was in the room. Talia was completely unsurprised by his emotional overflow. Alessin was generally consumed with jealousy and possessiveness whenever he was in the near vicinity of Talia, Gemna, Suno, or his prized bay stallion. A few more words made it past the slow molasses flow of her soggy thoughts.

"...call the Guards - oh, I certainly will! It's illegal to deny a Healer access to their patient!"

A long, tense silence, followed by low murmuring - Alessin and Julin, Talia deduced, and then,

"Fine, but the other one stays here."

Blessed relief. Most of the emotions reverberating around and inside her mind faded away along with the hobnailed boot-tread of the irate Holderkin.

Soft, but firm footsteps moved around the bed and a cool hand was laid on her forehead.

"What is her name?" a calm voice asked. Talia felt muscles relaxing and tension escaping from her body, the relief seeming to spiral out from that cool hand.

"Talia Alesswife, Healer." Gemna sounded as she always did when speaking to menfolk; all muted tones and submissive voice. Talia didn't need to open her eyes to know that Gemna's shoulders would be bowed and her eyes fixed on the floor.

"Talia. My name is Rathis; I'm a Healer. Can you try to open your eyes?"

Talia peeled them open slowly, experimentally, and was pleasantly surprised to discover that her headache was nearly gone, and the light sensitivity was nowhere in evidence.

Above her was an affable, thin face bisected by a wide mouth and framed with straight, tidy, black hair. Muddy eyes of no discernible color or hue were looking into hers with concern. He smiled, wide and thin-lipped as she blinked sleepily in his direction. Talia averted her own gaze hurriedly when she realized she was staring at the man, suddenly uncomfortable with his hand and gaze on her. Hesitantly, she reached out in an attempt to discern his intentions and mentally recoiled as her mental gaze was deflected off a smooth, slick barrier.

 _"What in the name of the Goddess?"_ Talia was baffled. She had never encountered anything of the like in her admittedly small experience reading people.

A huff of amusement brought her attention back to Rathis.

 _:That's quite a talent, young lady. I suppose you haven't been taught to shield, have you?:_ his mental voice "sounded" like his speaking voice, but it was overlaid with tones of frustration and amusement. The combination confused Talia, but with a quick side glance at Gemna, she rallied herself and attempted to answer in the same way.

 _:I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS "TALENT" IS.:_ Talia responded experimentally, and Rathis flinched.

 _:Bright Havens, lass; no need to shout. You have what we refer to as a "Gift." Yours is most definitely in the Mindspeech category. Do you hear thoughts all around you?:_

"How have you been feeling lately and throughout your pregnancy?" Rathis asked aloud, taking his hand off her forehead and fumbling in his satchel.

"Not very well." Talia admitted. _:No. It's their feelings, almost like a noise. Especially strong feelings have pictures, too. I can't keep them away very well. I can't sleep if there's too much.:_ Her headache threatened to return with the effort of keeping track of two conversations at once.

"Nausea? Dizziness? Fainting spells? Sore muscles? Pains in your stomach, down low?" _:Empathy, then, like our Mindhealers. How far does it reach?:_

"Yes, to all of it. I feel sick and dizzy all the time, and I ache everywhere, but especially in my stomach and back." _:All over the Holding, if I concentrate. I can find anyone as far out as the river. How do you make that wall? Does it stop the noise?:_ Talia kept her voice low and meek in an attempt to keep Gemna from being interested enough in the conversation to try to listen in.

"The problem, Talia, is you're too young to be having children." Rathis leaned forward and fixed his eyes intently on her. Talia was reeling in shock. Too young? All the girls had babies at this age. Her incredulity must have showed, because Rathis gentled his voice.

"I know it's common on the Border sectors, but the fact is, young women shouldn't be having children until they're at least a few years older than you. Five years would be better. Your body isn't ready for the strain, and that's why you have pain and why you feel sick so much."

Talia felt a brief, vicious surge of anger towards every Holder and Border folk she could imagine. She was _right_. She _was_ a child still. She _resented_ being made to marry and bed Alessin and carry his child and rule over Gemna and all the rest of it.

"..packing the cart the whole time I've been here." she refocused on Rathis.

"Um, yes. We - Gemna and I, our husband, Alessin and his little - are moving to our own Holding. Gemna and I have been packing and loading the carts all week."

Rathis offered her a sardonic smile. "Well I do hope it's nearly done because you won't be loading carts anymore, Talia. Having a child so young is enough strain on you; packing as well could make you lose the child, or even your life. Don't worry; I'll talk to your husband and Julin."

 _:You're a very strong Empath, Talia.:_ his mental voice came as he stood from the bed, slinging his satchel over his shoulder. _:I can teach you to shield, like I'm doing.:_

Talia's eyes widened hopefully and she parted her lips to speak, or sing, or thank him - she knew not which.

That cool hand brushed over her forehead again and her awareness began to drop away.

"Sleep for now." he said, then, _:Later. Once you've rested.:_ and then she heard and knew nothing at all.

Talia woke up to the early morning sounds of birds. She was immediately, thoroughly awake, eyes darting to the window to evaluate the hour. The morning air streamed cool and brisk through the window, and the sun was not yet over the horizon. She breathed a sigh of relief and swung her legs over the edge of the bed, then froze.

The Healer was sound asleep on a mattress on the floor. One of the drudges was curled up on her thin pallet in a corner, presumably to act as chaperone so Talia wouldn't be alone in Rathis' presence.

Talia withdrew her feet and poked at Rathis' shielding with the pointiest mental thought she could muster. The drudge was stirring in her pallet a little, so Talia lay down again and closed her eyes.

 _:Healer?:_ she inquired, poking at his shields again. He sent a sleepy image of a floppy hand pushing her away. She swallowed her mirth at the comedic aspect of it and formed another thought.

 _:Is Alessin very angry with me?:_ she sent, along with an image of the Wives and her husband in the kitchen, waiting for her impatiently. A spike of shock from Rathis.

 _:Havens, no, lass.:_ he returned, _:Alessin and his father are angry with_ me, _not you.:_

The drudge pattered hesitantly over to Rathis.

"Healer?" she whispered hesitantly. Talia peered through her lashes as Rathin made a production out of "waking up," and rolling over to face the woman. "I have't go start fires. You and the wife...tisn't proper." she was wringing her hands with anxiety. Talia, feeling the anxiety pouring off Anela, pitied her lot and wondered at what she could have erred so egregiously to be condemned to this lot.

Rathis sent wry amusement and resignment to Talia and clambered to his feet, shaking out the wrinkles in his green robes.

"I'll just leave as well till Talia wakes, then." he opened the door and followed Anela out of the room.

 _:We can still talk, though, unless you'd rather sleep.:_

Talia shook her head, then ducked it when she realized that Rathis couldn't see her through the door.

 _:Once I'm awake, I'm up for the day.:_ she sent to him. _:Now how do I make a shield like yours?:_

His mental voice took on a tone of deep amusement. _:Do you want to do this the slow, easy way, or the fast, hard way? I don't think I'll be in Julsholding long enough to give you more than the bare basics of the slow, easy way.:_

 _:Fast way.:_ Talia's response was immediate and resolute.

 _:Are you still lying down?:_ he inquired. Talia blinked, and adjusted herself till she was comfortable.

 _:Yes. Why?:_ she asked suspiciously. By way of response, a wave of concentrated thought smacked her in the metaphorical face and she felt as though she were tumbling backwards out of a particularly tall tree and hitting every branch on the way down. By way of revenge, she tossed the sensation at Rathis just before she lost the ability to focus on anything outside of her own mind.

Knowledge and concepts flooded through her conscious mind, clicking into place where they aligned with facts she already knew, and unpacking definitions and explanations as fast as Talia could wonder what it meant.

Gifts. _What's a Gift?_ Overview of basic Gifts - Empathy under Mindspeech.

 _What is Mindspeech?_ An umbrella term for the abilities to read thoughts, project thoughts, read emotions, and project emotions.

Shielding as a requirement for the mental stability of all Mindspeech types. _Shielding?_

Ground. Center. Shield.

And suddenly, Talia knew. She took a metaphorical step back, found her center, grounded herself in the deepest, truest part of her mind, and spun an ethereal, fine shield. It settled with gossamer lightest and delicacy around her mind, and, for the first time in months, Talia found herself completely alone in her own mind. She grinned at the ceiling - her first real, honest smile in a year - and feeling as though her mind were oddly sore, she drifted off to sleep again.

An odd sensation brought her slowly back to full consciousness. Sort of a gentle knock or a firm tap.

Talia sat up and looked for the source of the noise, but the room was silent. Frowning, Talia focused inward for the sensation. The touch came again, but this time Talia recognized the mental signature as belonging to Rathis. She started to dismantle her shield, but before she could, more pieces from the "lesson" earlier in the day unfolded in her mind. Carefully, she reached towards Rathis and met his mind in a mutual exchange.

 _:Good morning.:_ Rathis said wearily. Something ugly simmered near the bottom of his words.

 _:Hello,:_ Talia returned cautiously, a thread of nervous curiosity underlying her greeting. A mental sigh rippled towards her.

 _:It's not you, lass, it's this sector. I'm sorry to offend, but I rather think you'll agree with me when I say_ Holderkin _.:_ The last bit was laced with exasperation and frustration towards every man, woman, and beast on Julsholding. Talia sent sympathy and a wordless query back.

 _:Your husband is insisting that it's ridiculous for you to lie abed past sunrise, even though you could birth that babe within the week just from stress and overwork, and you fainted yesterday. I'm afraid he's on his way up to you now.:_

Talia's eyes widened in alarm. _:Thank you.:_ she sent, and dropped the link.

She maneuvered herself upright, somewhat surprised to find herself still dressed from the day before, and made the bed as quickly as possible. She had one boot on, and was lacing the other when Alessin barged through the door. The outrage on his face died quickly when he saw her awake and dressed, to Talia's relief.

With energy and courage she didn't know she possessed, she immediately reached out for his hand.

"Thank you so much for insisting the Healer treat me yesterday." she gushed. "I heard you telling Julin he should treat me. I feel so much improved now!" Talia glanced up at him through her eyelashes and evaluated his expression. Careful not to disturb her fragile shielding - _several layers are needful_ , Rathis' "lesson" reminded her - she reached out and brushed against his mind.

His annoyance with Talia was rapidly fading and being replaced with an aura of strength and protectiveness. As she watched, he convinced himself that he was responsible for the Healer treating his wife, and elevated her generally poor physical condition into a life threatening illness.

Talia scoffed mentally, then wondered at her gall in doing so. Less than a day's worth of contact with a Healer and the ability to shield apparently led to nearly blasphemous disrespect for her husband, she mused, and was briefly aghast again at her indecorous thoughts.

Regardless of religious concerns, Talia was very aware of, and newly disgusted by Alessin's mentality. He was always right in his own mind, and if the facts didn't agree with his view of himself, he was apt to insist that it was everyone else's memories which were flawed.

Talia counted herself fortunate that her gambit worked. Alessin would likely now insist that the Healer's advice for Talia be followed.

"Well," he blustered, "I can't have two wives in a row dying." he shuffled a bit from foot to foot, then pulled her to her feet with a grunt. "There's some porridge for you in the cellar."

Talia's stomach grumbled as he said it, and she followed him eagerly to the kitchen, breathing a sigh of relief. His anger was deescalated. She was safe.

She tried not to think critically about the situation; tried to pretend that she could always manipulate the situation to prevent bruises.

 _Talia wore long sleeved and high-necked tunics, just like Vris._

Rathis left Julsholding that day, and Talia's newfound confidence slipped a little as she surreptitiously watched him prepare his horse to leave.

 _:Talia?:_

The girl in question sent back a quick feeling of curiosity and sorrow for his departure.

 _:I'm going to leave a purse and instructions with the nearest Guardpost that if a woman named Talia ever comes and asks for what Rathis left, they'll give it to you and escort you to the nearest town. There will be more than enough for you to hire a seat on a mail coach to the nearest city. Someone who works as hard as you can always find a job. Think about it.:_

Talia's throat clogged with burning emotion - gratitude and fear. No one had ever done something purely out of concern for her wellbeing before - not like this. She sent back wordless affirmation, and fled, unable to watch him go.

* * *

When Talia got married and moved to Alessin's father's Holding, Julsholding, she thought she liked the incrementally higher level of freedom as a wife better than being a child in her father's Holding.

When she moved to Alessholding with her husband, his son and his second wife while eight months pregnant, she recanted that thought. Bitterly.

On Julsholding she was one, insignificant cog in an efficient machine. On Alessholding, she _was_ the machine.

Alessin was busy all day, running the Holding's fields and flocks. He descended on the kitchen twice a day to eat ravenously, and bedded Talia, Gemna, or both with equal, possessive fervor at night.

Talia was responsible for everything that wasn't in a field. Gemna was irritatingly submissive to her, even moreso than she had been at Julsholding. Talia could no longer coax an opinion out of the girl, which was maddening, stressful, and saddening for her.

Talia reverted to increasing silence as her stress and weariness increased; Gemna sang.

The first time Talia heard Gemna sing was when the younger girl was watching Suno and hanging the wash on the clothesline in the main hall, which was always put up during winter and the rainy spring. Talia was just inside the Wives' workroom writing up a menu for the first week and doing her preliminary, weekly inventory from memory.

The doors were cracked to prevent the damp from settling irrevocably in any room, and sweet, high tones floated to Talia from the hall. It took her a moment to realize the sound was out of the ordinary, and when she did, her charcoal slipped from her fingers as she intently listened.

It was too far away to hear any words, but the tune soared and dipped in a familiar pattern. Gemna was singing the Sheep Watch song to Suno, presumably to settle him out of a tantrum.

Talia was soothed as well. Her stresses slipped away, her aches lessened, and for the few minutes that Gemna sang, Talia was enchanted.

 _"It has to be a Gift_." Talia marveled. She had never heard anything like it before in her life.

For a timeless moment, Talia let herself float.

Then the song ended, and all her troubles descended again. With a more lighthearted spirit, Talia went back to her inventorying.

A month into life at Alessholding and Talia woke in the gray pre-dawn with agonizing stomach cramps. Momentarily, groggy with sleep, she thought it was the cramping she had been getting on and off for a week. Telea, the widowed wife with all grown children who acted as midwife for the region had explained to her that some cramping was normal -the body was practicing to deliver the child.

Once Talia was shaken into full awareness by the pain, she realized this was different. Stronger, sharper, and almost overpowering in intensity. She staggered to her feet, shoving the thick, winter woolens aside, and almost lunged for the wall as another ripping pain sent her off balance.

She leaned against the wall and tried to breathe, waiting for it to pass, grateful she was in her own bed that night and not Alessin's. His reaction, were she to wake him up at this hour was unfathomable.

(Unbidden, as she was able to straighten, her hand crept up to cover her bruised cheekbone.)

Talia swept a woolen tunic over her head and waddled out the door to go to the midwife.

The sun had risen, soared over the sky and settled well into the west by the time Talia, now limp with exhaustion and barely able to move, was handed her first child.

Telea, who had triumphantly pulled the slick, red body out of Talia promptly went somber and still.

Talia struggled up on her elbows.

"What?" she gasped, aghast. "What's wrong?"

Telea laid the child across Talia's chest, carefully arranging the tiny head against the young mother's arm.

"I'm so sorry." she said, sympathy on her face, "It's a girl."


	4. Chapter 4

Alessin rose with the sun, as all good Holdermen did, and went hunting for his breakfast. He found Gemna - industriously stirring the porridge and feeding Suno bits of fruit - and Telea, looking wan and exhausted.

"Where's Talia? Lying late abed again, I suppose." he said with all his superior, masculine disdain for feminine weakness.

"She had the child last night, sir." Telea said cautiously. "They are both well and asleep."

His face transformed, now wreathed in pride and glee, as he sat at the table and served himself a heaping bowl of oatmeal.

"Another son for me!" he crowed, then, seeing the look on the midwife's face, his expression went downhill rapidly.

"A girlchild?!" he demanded, wroth.

Talia was woken out of her sound sleep by Telea gently shaking her shoulder, and Alessin's stomping steps outside the door.

"He's not best pleased." Telea warned, then took the sleeping child from beside Talia just as Alessin swept in.

"Couldn't do any better than a girl?" he inquired immediately upon entering, barely bothering to cast the babe a glance.

A wave of anger swept through Talia, heating her face and making her hands shake. With great effort she modulated her voice.

"I'm sure the next will be a son." she murmured, fighting to keep her tone neutral.

Alessin stalked over to Telea and pushed pushed the blanket away from her face.

"Selia." he announced, "After the Goddess. May she be as silent and obedient as her namesake." and then he stalked out of the room.

Telea and Talia regarded one another with carefully blank faces for a moment until Talia raised her arms in a mute demand for her daughter. Telea carefully placed the child in Talia's arms and admonished her to sleep as long as she could. Talia nodded by way of reply, and Telea left, much more sedately than Alessin had.

Talia carefully rolled onto her side, and regarded her sleeping child. Somberly, she brushed her finger across one, soft cheek and sighed.

"Be silent, but only when your father in near." she whispered, "But be brave, like the Shin'a'in goddess. Her name is Kal'enel, and...you're going to grow up wild and _free_." she decided, spur of the moment. She would not stay a moment longer than she had to in a place where she would be required to raise her daughter the way Talia herself had been, and then have to give her up to marriage and childbirth in thirteen years.

"And your name isn't Selia." Talia continued. "Your father wants you named after a goddess, so you will be, but not Sel'inel. Your name is Kalene, and we'll be leaving as soon as your Mum is strong enough to travel."

At once both relieved and terrified by her decision, Talia quietly stared at her tiny daughter, memorizing every detail from her wispy, brown hair to her tiny fingernails until she fell asleep again, one finger being held securely by a tiny hand.

* * *

"Make the brat be quiet!" Alessin's voice was an angry snarl, and his emotional tone was full of sexual tension and annoyance at the week-old "Selia"'s cries. He had been growing increasingly angry over the last sevenday whenever he was reminded of his daughter's existence, and Talia was beginning to fear for her daughter whenever Alessin was in the same room as her.

He hadn't made any attempt to hold or interact with her - that wouldn't have been typical for a father, as far as Talia knew - but he glared blackly in her direction whenever she made a peep.

Talia put down her knitting and picked Kalene up from the rocking cradle immediately. The baby didn't quiet, and Alessin's mood went from upset to rage.

"If you don't make her be quiet," Alessin promised in deceptively smooth tones, "I'll make her be silent and she'll stay that way," and turned back to mending worn harness pieces, still invisibly seething.

Eyes hugely wide with terror, Talia turned to shield Kalene from her father's view, and wrapped a layer of her shield over her, wanting nothing so much as for her daughter to be invisible.

To her shock, Alessin subsided immediately, even though Kalene's cries continued. Talia held the peculiar shielding she'd done by accident and sent calming waves over her daughter, who quieted quickly.

Cautiously, Talia took her long length of wrapping cloth and secured the newborn to her chest, then sat back down in her chair and picked up her knitting. Alessin completely ignored both of them. When Gemna walked through a few minutes later, Suno dangling off her free hand, Alessin relieved her of the basket of laundry with a smile and deposited his son by Talia.

"Watch him for awhile." he ordered, and seemingly didn't notice his daughter. Talia nodded and took Suno's hand, mind whirling as she processed the implications of this new development.

Good mood restored, Alessin disappeared with Gemna, who followed him meekly.

Talia turned her attention to Suno, clinging to her hand soberly. He regarded her unblinkingly.

"Where Sel-ee-ah?" he asked, over enunciating his half-sister's name.

"She's sleeping right now." Talia responded with a tiny smile, loathe to let anyone lay eyes on her daughter at the moment, and handed him his stuffed sheep.

Suno played on the floor with his sheep and her knitting basket as Talia sat, one hand covering her daughter's head as she tried to understand exactly how this hiding shield worked.

* * *

"...so get the boy's things packed right away; his grandfather's wives will raise him. The next eldest son will inherit this Holding in a few years..."

Gemna knelt on the floor, holding the sobbing toddler as Talia nodded, blank-faced along with the priest's injunctions.

"...be staying here, of course, until the Holding is packed up. Once that's done your fathers will doubtless have new marriages arranged for you."

Talia blinked and carefully maintained her mask - and the hide-me over Kalene - although inwardly she was dancing and blessing the bandits who shot her late, unlamented husband off his horse. She was also cursing them as well, however. She'd planned to run away in a month or two, when her post-child bleeding had stopped and she'd regained some strength, not some three weeks after the birth!

Gemna was outwardly calm, but inwardly a seething, roiling turmoil of relief and terror. Talia could tell she was still favoring her hip from where Alessin shoved her into the - thankfully unlit - stove earlier in the week, and Talia herself had painful, finger-shaped bruises along both arms from Alessin's tender mercies.

Doubtless the underwife was terrified to go to a new husband, especially since it was most likely they'd go to different men, and as underwives.

Talia mechanically showed the thin, ascetic-looking priest to a spare bedroom and went directly to the attic and began packing all of Suno's clothes and toys. She'd hardly finished before Julin arrived with sons, wife, and cart in tow to collect his grandson and his son's body. Two of the sons went to the cellar to fetch Alessin's shrouded corpse, and another disappeared into the attic for the lone crate of Suno's belongings.

Gemna carried Suno to the cart and handed him to his grandmother, who was just as blank-faced and dry-eyed as her daughter-in-laws, but extremely tender as she took Suno from his step-mother.

"He loves porridge." Talia volunteered, following Gemna to the cart. She was unwillingly feeling sorry for the woman and her deep grief for her eldest, terrible son. "His favorite toy is the sheep in his bag."

"He sleeps through the night." Gemna added, eyes downcast modestly. "Unless he has a nightmare.

"Having other children nearby will probably help with those." Alessin's mother mused, and the heartache in her eyes faded a little as Suno grinned and patted her cheeks.

Talia and Gemna slipped away back to the house and continued packing. Everything of Alessin's was put into crates and trunks and left in his room. Some of those would go to Suno as he neared his adult height, and the rest would go to those of his uncles who were old enough to run their own Holdings.

Talia and Gemna, of course, would go with all their scant belongings to new spouses - or at least that was what everyone but Talia believed.

There were other people around all day, moving the flocks, herds, and equipment back to Julsholding, so Talia held her tongue and worked quietly with Gemna. Once night had fallen and the two retired to their bedroom, Talia blatantly dropped the hide-me over Kalene where Gemna could not help but notice, and waited for the reaction.

"Wha...what?" Gemna's eyes widened. "That's Selia! How did I not notice...I forgot about her!"

Talia untied the wraps holding her daughter to her chest and began changing her diaper.

"Yes; it's part of a Gift I have." she responded, "And her father may have called her Selia, but _I_ have named her Kalene."

She finished cleaning the baby and redressed her with swift, economical movements in the warmest of clothes she had for the child. Once she was done, she sat cross-legged in the middle of the bed and put her to the breast, then regarded Gemna with a stony face.

"They intend to marry us off again."

"Yes." Gemna dipped her head and that terrible apathy consumed her again. Her face went blank, and she stripped off her clothing with mechanical, jerky movements.

"I intend to do nothing of the sort." Talia kept her voice even and almost emotionless. Gemna's head jerked up and her cloud of apathy was startled away in shock.

"I...I...don't understand. You have no choice but to -"

"We have options." Talia cut her off, leaning forward with fire in her eyes.

"Remember Healer Rathis? Well," she continued when Gemna nodded uncertainly, "While he was at Julsholding we had many, long conversations. Before he left, I resolved to leave the Holdings as soon as I was strong enough after the birth. I'm still not strong enough, really, but this is our only chance."

"B..b..but you were never alone with him. How did you talk?" Gemna was reeling, out of her depth in this near-blasphemous conversation.

 _:Like this.:_ Talia sent as gently as she could. Gemna shot to her feet.

"What was that?" she all but screamed.

"Mindspeech." Talia reverted to speaking aloud. "Rathis has left a purse and instructions at the nearest Guardpost for me to be escorted to the nearest town. We'll be able to find work easily, I'm sure. We're young and strong, even if I have a babe and you're with child."

"Us?" Gemna queried.

"Us." Talia confirmed. "You have a talent for singing. Mayhap you could learn to be a minstrel or even a gleeman! Or," Talia uncrossed her legs and contrived to look bored, "perhaps you'd prefer to be married to an old man who may be even worse than our late, honored husband." she pronounced the last words with sarcasm; disdain dripped from every syllable.

Talia uncurled from the bed, arms carefully supporting her daughter as she nursed, and padded over to Gemna.

"I don't want to be remarried."

Gemna looked up at her with unshed tears in her eyes. "Goddess forgive me. Neither do I."

* * *

It was only a half a league from Alessholding to the main road, but by the time Talia and Gemna reached it, Talia was already tired. Nevertheless, she knew she couldn't have made it the half a league a few weeks prior. She put a hand in the small of her back and arched it, popping the bones from her hips to her shoulders.

 _"From the road, the nearest Guardpost is three leagues away."_ she recalled Rathis telling her, and wondered if she could walk that far.

Talia clutched Kalene to her chest, grateful the babe slept soundly as her mother slipped through the night.

Her back and shoulders ached unmercifully, and and her legs shook. She was weak yet, from the birthing, and even the half a league to the road from Alessholding had wearied her.

 _"Three leagues..."_ she thought, _"I'll be lucky if it takes me five hours in my state."_

The waterskin at her side was full, she had a bag of pies, bread, and smoked venison; she knew she would have enough food, and few bandits would prey on a road so near to a Guardpost, and yet Talia shook with more than weariness and weakness. She had never been so far from a Holding as the Guardpost. Even when she traveled from Sensholding to Julsholding the journey had been less than three leagues. Had she been allowed - and so inclined - she could have walked the league to her childhood home in under an hour.

A hard knot of fear gripped her stomach, but her chest was light enough to burst. The moonlight painted streaks across the horizon, and though she feared (oh, how she feared) the wrath of her kin, it was not enough to turn her back to the Holdings.

Gemna, sturdy and silent, trudged along behind her, laden with more belongings than Talia had packed, even counting Kalene's tiny clothes and nappies.

Talia blinked. It had come on gradually, but she noticed the night noises had been steadily supplanted - nay, joined - by a rhythmic, bell-like tone. Her forehead creased as she stepped into a deep shadow, Gemna joining her with deference and a quizzical sound beginning to escape her.

"Hush." Talia hissed, and the younger girl clutched at her stomach and obeyed. Talia spun her hide-me over Kalene and pressed more strength into it than she'd ever attempted before.

 _My daughter_ will _be safe._

They remained in the shadow, the sound - almost like horse's hooves, if not for that bell-like tone - came ever nearer. Nearly a quartermark passed before a pale shape emerged from the nearest switchback, climbing the steep road towards them. Talia touched her daughter's fine, downy hair and pressed contentment into her as a precaution to keep her asleep.

The pale shape vanished into the shadows, then reappeared suddenly enough to make Talia gasp and jerk back. Gemna stifled a scream, then began to laugh with a tinge of hysteria.

"It's a horse!" she pointed out. Talia blinked and the imagined monster resolved itself into a pure white horse, tacked up in a gorgeous saddle and bridle, and entirely missing a rider.

"Hello, gorgeous." Talia let out a shaky breath of relief and clambered back onto the road. "Where's your master?" she held out a hand for the horse to sniff, then caught its reins.

"Maybe we should take it. At...at least to the Guardpost?" Gemna suggested, and Talia rather thought the notion was a good one. With her free hand, she tugged her loose coat to cover Kalene's head more thoroughly, and eyed the horse.

"It appears steady, but it might throw us like its previous rider." she pointed out, unwilling to risk being tossed with her child strapped to her chest.

At that moment, the thick cloud which had been obscuring most of the moonlight blew away, and the full moon shone bright as sunrise. Talia had been petting the horse's nose, and found herself staring straight into the creature's brilliant blue eyes.

 _:Yes, at last, it's you. I Choose you. Out of all the world, out of all the seeking, I have found you, young sister of my heart! You are mine and I am yours and never again will there be loneliness.:_

Talia felt a sudden shock of pure joy and acceptance. It was more than a feeling; it was a bone-deep understanding of a fundamental link which until this moment she hadn't known she lacked. Here was a piece of herself she never knew was missing. Her breath caught, and tears sprang to her eyes.

 _:And now,:_ the resonant mind-voice sounded regretful, _:Forget. Forget until...:_

Talia slammed her shields shut, briefly alarmed that she hadn't noticed them dropping when their eyes had met. Abruptly, she woke out of the haze of blue eyes and Choosing in which she had been caught and took a fast step backwards. Reflexively, she checked the hide-me and was relieved to note that it still wrapped Kalene surely.

"What do you mean, _forget?_ " she demanded, voice shrilly. "And what did you mean by _Choose?"_

Something in her pointed out that she was talking to a horse, but with the memory of a ringing presence in her head, she couldn't find it in herself to be self-conscious about demanding answers from it. Gemna, entirely left out of the most recent events, made a noise of pure puzzlement.

"It talked to me. In my mind. Then tried to make me forget it. I want to know why." Talia said over her shoulder without taking her eyes off the horse-creature.

"What?!"

"I know. Yes." Talia agreed with an internal sigh.

The horse shook its mane, setting every tiny bell on its bridle to jangling. It took a step forward and nudged at her shields with a purely emotional request for trust, companionship. Oh, how that made Talia long to throw down her shields and immerse herself in the bond it offered, but she had not only herself to take care of, but Gemna and Kalene as well.

 _:You used Mindspeech before,:_ Talia pointed out, _:I suggest you use it again to tell me what this "Choose you" means, and why you tried to make me forget about it.:_

If it were possible for a horse to look surprised in a human manner, this one made a valiant attempt at it.

An image - a tempting image - of Talia astride the white horse, cantering effortlessly through the beautiful countryside, hair streaming in the wind and laughing was sent to her.

Talia raised an unimpressed eyebrow.

 _:That might have worked on me a year ago, but I'm perfectly aware now that life isn't that easy.:_ she pointed out tartly. _:Words. Explanation.:_

Another image was sent, of a kindly looking man in a room full of books, speaking to a thrilled-looking Talia, who was nodding along with his every word. An implication was included in the emotional undertone of the sending, that he would take her to people who would explain everything.

 _:Words!:_ Talia made her mindvoice intentionally grating. _:You're not including Gemna in these sendings; am I supposed to leave her behind? You can't convince me like this. I don't like being seduced, I like explanations!:_

Talia was vaguely aghast at herself. When did she become so mannish in her demeanor? No true Holderkin girlchild would ever demand anything like this from anyone, not even another girlchild.

It felt good. Talia was nearly drunk off the euphoria of her not-so-daring escape and the thrill of saying exactly what she wanted with no repercussions. It wasn't like this horse could _force_ her onto its back, and she was fairly sure, even with Kalene, that she could climb a tree to get away from the animal if it proved obstinate.

A strong, strong mental sigh, tinged with something like pride.

 _:It isn't_ done _this way.:_ that resonant voice complained, and Talia froze again. It seemed so unreal; a horse, with a mind and a voice!

 _:It's done this way now.:_ Talia retorted.

 _:Usually if someone doesn't know what Companion's Choice is, we suppress the memory of it and take them to Haven so the Heralds can explain. Not all Companions have strong Mindspeech like me. Most couldn't speak to you at all - you don't have mindspeech; only empathy.:_

Talia snorted, aloud.

"What's going on?" Gemna whispered behind her.

"We're talking. In our heads." she explained absently to Gemna's obvious incredulity, then,

 _:I'm the one who initiated this conversation. With Mindspeech. I think I have more than a touch of it. What's Companion's Choice? Are you a Companion? A real one? Where's your Herald? Oh, Goddess; is your Herald injured? Do you need...:_

 _:Peace.:_ the horse - Companion?! - sounded amused now. _:I am a Companion. You are my Herald. Companions are compelled to seek out their Herald at some point in their life. I have been searching for you for months, and now I've found you._

 _:And you're right.:_ he sounded a little puzzled. _:You_ are _mindspeaking with your own ability. I did not expect you to have a secondary Gift, considering how strong your Empathy is.:_

Talia was completely speechless. She gaped at the horse - her Companion! - for several long moments. Gemna nudged her.

"What's going on?" she demanded insistently. Talia was brought out of her reverie.

"This Companion says he's picking me to be his Herald." she sounded dazed.

"Can you talk about this while we go to the Guardpost?" Gemna was either unimpressed or covering her shock very well. "It's cold. I'm cold."

 _:Will you take us to the Guardpost?:_ Talia asked the Companion, who inclined his head.

 _:I can. However, there is a Waystation somewhat nearer than the Guardpost. We could rest there and proceed to the Guardpost in the morning. Why the Guardpost, though?:_

 _:I met a Healer, once, who taught me to control my Gift. He said if I ever wanted to leave the Holdings, to go the Guardpost and he'd leave a purse and supplies there for me.:_ Talia responded as she climbed laboriously onto the Companion's back, discovering that mounting a horse was very difficult while holding a baby.

She checked her hide-me around Kalene once more while Gemna got on behind her. She would want to have far more information about what being a Herald would mean for her daughter and Gemna before she accepted, after all.

Talia pictured herself a year younger meeting a Companion, what she would have done, and what her reaction would have been. A year before, she knew, she would have flung herself onto the Companion and galloped away without a second thought.

But she had responsibilities now, and had been forced to learn to think through the consequences of every action. Being a Herald was a childhood dream come true, but Talia had long since ceased believing in childhood dreams.

As the Companion - Rolan, he introduced himself - took them to the Waystation with his impossibly smooth gait, Talia questioned him cautiously about Companions, what being a Herald meant, and what would be expected of her once they reached Haven.

His answers were vague on the details, and heavy with emotional undertones. There were wistfully happy scenes of Trainees in Gray having snowball fights and spirited class discussions. Heralds and Trainees wandering a peaceful, green field with their Companions, completely content. Friendly Healers waiting to Heal sprains, strains, and heartaches.

It was an attractive picture, but Talia mistrusted it. The night was growing colder and Talia was exhausted, so she decided to wait till morning to weasel the pure, unvarnished -and she was sure it would be much more bleak - truth out of him. Rolan. Possibly her Companion.

Talia managed to clean, feed, and tend Kalene without dropping her hide-me or arousing Rolan's suspicions, she thought, but Gemna was happily snoring by the time Talia was finally able to drop into one of the small bunks and close her eyes, Kalene sleeping on her chest peacefully.

Rolan woke them up early the next morning simply by rising to his feet inside the Waystation and making his hooves ring out against the floor. Talia, barely accustomed to functioning on the small amount of sleep that tending a three week old infant allowed, came awake all at once, mentally preparing herself to deal with Alessin, and reflexively checking the hide-me on Kalene. It had truly become second nature to keep her tiny child hidden as much as possible; Talia had distrusted the betrayed and resentful look in her deceased husband's eyes when he saw the baby.

Gemna, somewhat less paranoid and having spent much less time married to Alessin, woke up gradually, bleary eyed and yawning.

 _:We should make an early start.:_ Rolan sent to Talia eagerly. _:We can leave Gemna at the Guardpost and be twenty leagues farther towards Haven by sunset.:_

He looked at her expectantly. Talia laid Kalene in the nest of blankets and crossed her arms defiantly.

 _:I haven't agreed to go with you yet.:_ Nothing but pure, steely determination accompanied her words.

Rolan sent back nothing but shock and astonishment.

 _:Why do we have to leave Gemna behind?:_ she asked as a starting point.

 _:You're my Herald.:_ Rolan said matter-of-factly. _:Gemna isn't. There's no point in her coming to Haven as well.:_

 _:She's all alone in the world.:_ Talia flared, _:We know nothing of how life works off a Holding, we have no practical life skills, she's three months pregnant, and only thirteen years old! I won't abandon her at a Guardpost - I'm responsible for her! That means she goes where I go. What do you do when someone you want to Choose has a child? Force them to leave them behind?:_

Rolan was nearly stuttering in his mindspeech when he responded, something Talia hadn't known was even remotely possible. _:Why is she your responsibility?:_ It was almost petulant.

 _:Our husband died, we were going to be sent to marry other men, and we didn't want to. I convinced her to leave with me, and I am - was - the Firstwife. I'm the only authority she has right now, and she doesn't know how to function without one.:_

Rolan sputtered again. _:Both of you had the same husband? And she's only_ thirteen? _:_

 _:That's the way life works on a Holding. My father had eleven wives, nine living when I wed Alessin, and at least forty or forty-five children. I don't know for certain.:_

She had only thought that Rolan was shocked before. Now waves of incredulity were rolling off him. _:Thirteen? Thirteen years old?:_

 _:I was thirteen when I wed.:_ Talia pointed out implacably, reluctant for some reason to disclose that she herself was only one year older than that now.

Rolan visibly collected himself and his mindvoice became calmer.

 _:What do I have to say to covince you to come to Haven? I need you, Talia; Valdemar needs you.:_

Gemna was very obviously ignoring the girl and horse staring at each other, as ignoring things was one of her greatest skills when faced with something uncomfortable or inexplicable. Talia decided to continue the conversation while being useful, and rose to help Gemna fix porridge.

 _:I want to have choices.:_ she sent fiercely after a moment of contemplation. _:I've never had a single choice left to me in my life until I chose to run away. Now you're trying to take an entire lifetime of choices away from me. I want to know exactly what my life in Haven will entail. I want to know if Gemna or I will be in danger. I want to know...:_ she ran out of demands. _:...everything!:_ she finished.

Rolan was silent for long moment, then buried her in a deluge of information. He sent it in a compacted ball of information, much like Rathis had done, and it unfolded in her head in a logical progression.

The origin of Companions; what Monarch's Own meant, and what it entailed; how the Collegium operated; Talamir's unexpected death - possibly murder - and the senior Heralds' suspicions that it had to do with Selenay's troubles with Elspeth.

Talia absorbed it all, letting it settle in her mind.

 _:We need you, Talia.:_ he finished. _:Desperately. And_ I _need you; you're my_ Chosen _.:_ all the emotional aspects of that last word were bundled up along with it and given to her. Longing, a sense of completion now that he'd found her. Joy at her presence, and relief at touching her mind.

Talia rose and threw her arms around his neck.

 _:I still don't know why you picked me, but I'll go with you, dearheart.:_ she told him, relieved to be letting down her shields and permitting the nascent bond with him to spring to life. Relief and joy flowed along the bond from him; it turned to concern as Talia lapsed into somberness.

 _:What now?:_ he asked. Talia wrinkled her nose.

 _:We need a plan to keep Kalene safe.:_ she told him.

 _:Kalene?:_

Talia padded across the room and picked up her daughter and turned back to Rolan. Theatrically, she dropped the hide-me, revealing the just-waking infant to the stunned Companion.


	5. Chapter 5

Happy Wednesday! OK, so it isn't actually Weds here yet, but it's only a few hours away and considering what my tomorrow is going to be like I figured I'd better post it now rather than forget till Thursday. Why can't we schedule chapters to post automatically for a future time, anyway?

* * *

Once Rolan had gotten over all the shocks Talia had given him, they decided on a short term plan and proceeded to the Guardpost. Gemna was left there to be transported to the capitol on the next mail carriage. There wasn't a horse in existence who could keep up with a Companion, after all, and Rolan was in a hurry.

The Guards were excited to meet Talia, curious about Gemna, and utterly ignorant of Kalene's existence. Talia had hidden the baby again as soon as they reached the main road, and had no intention of letting anyone who wasn't a Herald know about her existence.

It was three, lovely, spring weeks to Haven, and Talia enjoyed every bit of it immensely, once she'd gotten over being saddlesore all the time. Kalene was always securely snugged to Talia's chest with the long, cloth wrap, and once Talia had mastered feeding her daughter a-saddle, the only times she needed to dismount to care for Kalene was to change her nappies, clothes, and to play with her. Rolan objected mildly the first time Talia had insisted on getting off at midday, only to put her daughter on her stomach on a blanket and play with her there, but Talia had fixed him with a steely glare.

"She needs exercise - yes, even though she's only a babe. And _because_ she's a babe and grows so quickly, waiting three weeks till we reach Haven will _not_ be good."

Rolan, showing uncommon good sense, did not argue with the young mother about her parenting and childcare choices, and found that he actually enjoyed whuffing around the blanket and entertaining the baby.

As they rode - and Talia spent most of her waking hours being propelled rapidly towards the capital - Talia and Rolan discussed life in Haven, and their future together. Talia inevitably brought the conversation back to the gritty, unpleasant realities of the situation, however.

 _:...so it's a relief to know you're experienced with children.:_ Rolan explained. _:You'll be perfect to take Elspeth in hand.:_

Talia held up a forbidding hand, quite forgetting that Rolan couldn't see her atop his own back.

 _:So I am expected to complete five or six years of education; rather than leaving it to experienced parents, tame an incorrigible brat; advise the Queen; parent my own daughter while keeping her existence secret from the people who quite possibly murdered the previous Queen's Own and will likely be scheming ways to kill me, all while still keeping my head afloat in the non-Heraldic, back-stabbing politics. And I'll have a daily housekeeping assignment on top of all that. Three a day, if I'm assigned to the kitchens. Is that about the long and short of it?:_

Her mental tone was eloquent. Rolan stuttered most rewardingly.

 _:That does sound rather...extreme...when put so...baldly.:_ he managed, finally.

 _:So Talamir was the "only one" who could convince his family to foster Elspeth.:_ she sent an image of a skeptical expression to Rolan.

 _:And suppose he was the only Herald in existence who has a family who could foster her?:_ Rolan felt strongly of chagrin and annoyance.

: _And the Queen is being consistently outvoted by her civilian and noble council members, so I need to "learn quickly" so I can be invested as a full Herald and thus be able to override the rest of the Council by pairing my vote - which I only get as a full Herald - with the Queen. And my education will take five years plus an eighteen month internship. I suppose you haven't thought of the obvious solution to that, either?:_ it was far more of a statement than a question, but all she got back from Rolan was puzzlement.

 _:Havens, Rolan! You can package information and send it to me in bulk. You could give me all the knowledge I need to test out of the beginning classes. You're the one who told me that Elcarth passed all his classes in three years; why can't I do the same?:_

 _:That's not how it's_ done _!:_ he protested.

 _:And I suppose that means it's forbidden?:_

He wilted. _:No. It's not forbidden.:_

 _:So._ : Talia was really warming to her subject now. _:The Companions can find out which Heralds have a family who will foster Elspeth and we keep it completely quiet until long after she's gone. You get me past all the beginning subjects, at minimum, so I can spend my time learning what I absolutely can't via mindspeech._

She paused and reflected.

 _:And I refuse to spend three to six hours a day on chores, on top of a full day spent away from Kalene due to classes and advising Selenay. We'll also need to find a retired or injured Herald to watch her, because I'm not trusting her safety to anyone who might talk about her outside the Circle. We'll conceal my age from non-Heralds, since according to you, the nobles are apt to use that against me, and we get me in Whites in three years or less. I think that solves nearly all your most pressing problems.:_

Rolan was sunk deep in embarrassment that a Trainee who hadn't even gotten back to the Collegium yet had so neatly pinpointed every gaping hole in the Circle's logic. Talia tugged her coat over Kalene's head to protect her from the sun and smiled inwardly.

Who knew that the ability to run a Holding would transfer so well to being a Heraldic Trainee?

Two days out from Haven, Talia met her first Herald. He was a homely young man on a slim, fast looking mare, who waved her and Rolan down when they came into view.

"Ho, Rolan!" he called cheerfully, his bright smile cheering Talia, who was cold and miserable in the drizzle. She pulled the hide-me over Kalene by reflex.

"So you've Chosen finally!" he turned his frank blue eyes on Talia who made a valiant attempt to meet and hold them. Faced with an adult male who was arguably in a position of authority over her, she felt her newfound confidence slipping away.

She rallied and sat up straighter. "I'm Talia." she wasn't quite able to manage a smile in return, but she held his gaze with some effort. His eyes were really rather compelling.

"I'm Dirk, and this is Ahrodie." he introduced himself and his Companion, the latter of whom did a set of sideways, prancing steps when he did so and turned her head to wink at Talia.

"You're only a few days out from Haven and a hot bath." Dirk told her sympathetically, tugging his own cloak tighter. "We're headed back that way ourselves. Just finished a courier run, so we're tired out and not hurrying back."

"You can ride with us." Talia nearly blurted out, anxious despite her shyness to get to know real Heralds, and Dirk smiled again, slow and easy.

"We'd be delighted." and he swept her a little half-bow in his saddle.

Talia ducked her head inside her hooded cloak to hide the flush rising to her cheeks.

 _:Oh, shut up.:_ she sent irritably to Rolan, who was absolutely rolling in amusement.

 _:The poor widowed Holderwife swoons at the first pretty face she sees.:_ he teased ironically, as Dirk could not _possibly_ be described as _pretty_. Talia flushed deeper and wished that she had _spurs._

* * *

Over the two and a half days it took Talia and Dirk to reach Haven, Talia became far more comfortable with the idea of becoming a Heraldic Trainee. Dirk answered all her questions patiently, describing the teachers and Selenay in bemused detail. He was somewhat baffled by her insistence on knowing as much about the individual members of the Council, and cautious when talking about the political ramifications of Talamir's death, but he answered unhesitatingly.

When he wasn't answering one of Talia's many questions, he told her stories about his days as a Trainee, his huge and boisterous family, and about his closest friend, Kris.

"...and then he said, "Mero, this chicken is already stuffed!" Dirk chuckled. Talia threw back her head and laughed in stunned disbelief that anyone - even a highborn lad - wouldn't know what chicken guts looked like.

"I don't think a month has passed since then that someone hasn't reminded him of that." Dirk added with a sly grin which said that often it was Dirk himself who wouldn't let the incident die.

"If ever there's an opportunity, I'll comment on it, too." Talia promised and matched grins with the Herald.

"You've been awfully silent about your family, Queen's Own." Dirk said, leaning precariously off his saddle to nudge Talia with an elbow. She was silent for a long moment, not wanting to be dishonest, and not particularly wanting to speak about Holderfolk ever again.

"I didn't have a very happy childhood." she said hesitantly, and Dirk's mirthful expression faded to sorrow.

"I'm sorry." he said, "I shouldn't have asked."

"No, it's fine." Talia hastened to assure him. "I just have to decide what I want to tell people, I suppose. Rolan's been filling me in about Talamir and the highborn who might have been involved and...well, there are some things about me that we agree they shouldn't know."

"And the best way to keep them from knowing is to not let many people find out." Dirk agreed with her unspoken implication, and fell into an easy silence.

Talia appreciated that about him; they could ride in silence for hours without it feeling uncomfortable. Right now, though, she definitely felt as though she should speak. He'd shared so much with her over the last few days, but he didn't even know she'd been married! Talia made up her mind and cleared her throat.

"My husband died last week." she chucked mirthlessly as Dirk began to express his condolences. "No, he is unlamented. My father and his wives - yes, wives - chose him, and it wasn't for his good temper and pleasant personality. We were married just over a year." she trailed off, trying to figure out how to express the complexity of her life, which only a short time ago had seemed so simple and natural to her. How odd it was to try to explain her culture to people who lived in the same kingdom as her, yet had had such different lives that hers seemed utterly foreign. She settled on explaining the basics - such as they were.

"Holdfolk live dangerous lives, and we have far more women than men, mostly because our men get killed in border raids and by bandits far more than women and girls: females only die in the birthing bed." she said bitterly.

"According to Holderfolk religion, women must either be married or a votary of the Goddess, so for that to happen, men have more than one wife. My father had eleven."

Dirk was clearly trying not to gape at her.

"So, did your husband have more than one wife?" he asked, his curiosity obvious.

"Three. One died before he married me, and he married another girl six months after he and I wed. She - Gemna - is traveling to Haven by mail coach. I," she flashed him a roguish grin, "convinced her to run away with me before our fathers could marry us off again after our husband died. Rolan found us that night on the road. We thought he was a demon at first!"

Rolan whickered in a way that was distinctly reminiscent of a chuckle.

"It wasn't funny!" she protested, as she saw Dirk was hiding a smile, "We were scared out of our minds just from running away, and it seemed just our sort of bad luck to be eaten by a demon two leagues away from a Guardpost."

"No, that would have been tragic." Dirk agreed. "You wouldn't have met me!"

Talia rolled her eyes, but smiled despite herself, secretly thrilled.

Dirk straightened in his saddle suddenly, peering over the heads of their fellow travelers on the increasingly busy and widening road.

"Haven's just around the bend!" he announced. Talia swallowed around the knot of anxiety in her throat, excited and terrified to be coming to the completion of her journey.

 _:From here on it's subterfuge and manipulations from all fronts.:_ she sent to Rolan.

 _:Not all.:_ he reassured her, _:Heralds and Trainees will wholeheartedly accept you, and the Healers and Bards won't be antagonistic.:_ he responded. Talia's response was wholely emotional - hope for an easier time than she expected, skepticism that all the Heralds and Trainees were _truly_ trustworthy, fear for her daughter's safety, and relief that Rolan would be metaphorically at her side at all times.

She swallowed down her fear, raised her chin high, and followed Dirk through Haven's twisty, winding streets.

It was noisy within the walls - noisier than anywhere Talia had ever been. Dirk pointed out interesting bits of history as they crawled through the city and explained that the winding roads were a deliberate, defensive design.

Barely able to cope with the onslaught of noise, smells, and riotous colors assaulting her senses, Talia kept her replies monosyllabic and her shields as tight and layered as possible. The possibility of her mind being pervaded by all of these thousands of minds at once was horrifying; her mind was so tightly walled off that only her unassailable bond with Rolan allowed them to communicate.

Rolan's rock-steady mind was a welcome reprieve from the chaotic emotions swirling around her. Talia gratefully leaned against him and leeched off his steadiness. When Rolan drew up level with Ahrodie and Dirk turned to smile at her and leaned in close tell her about a nearby water fountain with a large statue in the middle, Talia found that having a distraction was also a good tactic to keep from being overwhelmed.

Dirk and Cymry escorted Talia all the way through Haven, and through the Collegium courtyard. It was wide, paved with cobblestones, and lined with buildings and walls on all sides. Talia peered around, catching glimpses of Green, Red, Gray and Blue uniforms, although only the Grays stopped to look at the newcomers. Talia ducked her chin and tried not to flush or clutch at Kalene and wished for a high, sturdy branch a league from any human.

Rolan nudged at her mind gently, and Talia looked up to realize that they had stopped at a stable which was buzzing with hubbub and outcry at their arrival.

"You've Chosen at last, Rolan! She looks a fine girl." a hearty-looking middle aged man waded to the front of the fracas and patted the Companion's neck amiably. Rolan whickered and nudged Talia, who'd dismounted and stood by his side, with obvious pride. Talia blushed a little and ducked her head, unaccustomed to this easy acceptance.

Dirk swung off Ahrodie with easy grace and joined the group on the ground.

"This is Kellan," he indicated the man standing before them. "He's head groom of the Companions' stable. If you need Rolan tacked up and don't have the time or expertise to do it yourself, ask him or a stablehand and they'll get it done for you. You're supposed to take care of Rolan most of the time, of course...they'll teach you if you don't know how."

"Raised on the borders." Talia said with a roll of her eyes. "We had plenty of farm horses, and I rode Rolan all the way here. I think I know how to tack and brush a Companion."

Dirk had the presence of mind to look vaguely embarassed and changed the subject.

"Kellan'll clean Rolan up; you can come out to see him later, but right now we need to get you enrolled in classes and made known to Elcarth - he's the Dean of the Collegium."

"All right...one moment..." Talia rummaged around in her saddlebags and came up with a small shoulder-bag which she slung across her back. "Let's go." she flashed Dirk a grin.

He escorted her through a truly dizzying array of passages into an ornate corridor, and from there into a medium sized, elegant room.

"I leave you here, madam. Someone will be by in a minute to collect you." he bowed dramatically. "It was a pleasure sharing the last of our journey with you. Seek me out if you need aught!" and with that he clattered out the door and was gone.

Talia turned and surveyed the room, trying to find a surface she could sit on without irrevocably dirtying it. She'd just settled on the least ornate chair she could find when the far door crashed open and a small, blond girl strode imperiously through it. Her eye lit on Talia and her face went into an adorable attempt at arrogance. They had a brief moment where they stared at one another, and then the girl stomped her foot, shock and anger sweeping across her face and emotional vista.

"Why are you still sitting?" she demanded. "You're supposed to kneel before the Heir!"

Talia smothered a giggle and kept her face sober with an effort. Littles were easy to deal with: even tiny, arrogant ones. This must be the infamous Elspeth. She wondered who had filled her mind with such nonsense as kneeling before an Heir. Rolan had brought her quite up to date on court etiquette and there was nothing about prostration before nobles in the information. Talia let her eyes widen.

"Where? I don't see the Heir!" she exclaimed.

"Here! Right here!" Elspeth went red in the face with indignation.

"No! That can't be!" Talia retorted, quite enjoying herself. "I've read about the Heir. She's supposed to be kind and treat even the lowest servant girl like she's the Queen herself. You," Talia looked critically down her nose at the girl, "look like you'd treat the Queen herself like the lowest servant girl. No, you definitely can't be the Heir."

Elspeth went even redder and her mouth gaped open in shock.

"Perhaps," Talia added ingeniously, "you're a fish! You certainly look like one." briefly, she mimicked the girl's expression.

Elspeth let out an incoherent, strangled shriek and ran back the way she'd come, knocking over an end table on the way. Talia watched it fall with a resigned expression on her face. She couldn't have caught it from her seated position without lunging across the room, and she couldn't have done that without jostling her - not sleeping, but thankfully content and quiet - daughter.

Talia rubbed the bridge of her nose and considered the situation. Elspeth - formerly a sweet girl, and currently a raging Brat. The only thing that had changed in her life had been the addition of the Rethwellan nurse, Hulda, who'd come to tend Elspeth shortly after her father had died in the "hunting accident." Rolan had been noncommittal about blaming Hulda, though, as Elspeth hadn't become wholly intractable until nearly a year later...which was a good point...

She broke off her line of thought and wished, irritably, for a glass of water, some willowbark tea for her headache, and a private room to tend and play with her daughter.

Yet _another_ door opened into the room, and Talia sat up straighter. A slim woman in Whites which were a good deal higher quality than Dirk's walked in. She was balanced and poised, and graceful in her movements, as well as resembling Elspeth a great deal.

Queen Selenay, Talia presumed, but did not change her expression.

"You handled that very well." Selenay commented, seating herself on the edge of a chair across from Talia. "I fear that she's been allowed too much leeway, and had her head crammed with nonsense about her own importance besides."

"She's a little, ma'am," Talia responded, "they're not so hard to change at that age." _"To a degree."_ she added mentally, quite sure that her brother Justus would have been a sadistic manipulator no matter who'd raised him.

"I certainly hope so." the queen said, and cast a critical eye over Talia, who fidgeted a little under the scrutiny.

* * *

The Queen was feeling far more hopeful when presented with her new presumptive Queen's Own than she had been when Dirk's Ahrodie had sent a message to her own Caryo that Rolan had Chosen a tiny slip of a Holdergirl.

She'd let Elspeth go charging into the room containing the newest Trainee, and had been heartened to see how the girl had handled Selenay's outrageously poorly behaved daughter. She'd seen cleverness, misdirection, and gentle guidance towards better behavior. Talia had corrected her without maliciousness, and even the insult at the end had been playful rather than cruel.

Selenay's heart lightened perceptibly. Perhaps this little slip of a girl would prove to be exactly what they needed - for Elspeth, at least.

"I'm Talia, your Majesty," the girl spoke unexpectedly, standing a sketching a tiny bow which was, to Selenay's shock, exactly the correct one for a Monarch's Own to give their ruler. "Rolan filled me in on the political situation on our way here, and I assume from the way you let - or sent - Elspeth in here, you're hoping that I'll rectify the poor parenting that girl has had." she raised an eyebrow - an eyebrow! - at Selenay, who found herself wrongfooted for the first time in...well, years.

"By filled you in on the political situation you mean...?" Selenay regained a little of her mental balance and raised an eyebrow right back at the girl who wilted a little.

 _:Enough of the situation to ask if you are sure there's no one listening in who you don't want hearing this discussion.:_ Selenay was absolutely shocked to hear the crisp, controlled mindvoice of this girl. It was as tightly controlled as any experienced Herald with a strong mindspeaking gift!

"This room is secure." she said aloud, quite unable to believe that this girl - Talia - was a _Holdergirl_. Not with that attitude, and not with that mental ability so well trained! The girl visibly relaxed when Selenay responded, and made a peculiar gesture over her heart.

"Thank the goddess." she sighed, and suddenly, as without warning, Selenay could suddenly see that there was a baby - a baby! - in a peculiar wrap on the front of the girl's torso.

"This is my daughter, Kalene," the child said, looking both younger and older as she unfastened the wrap and cradled the alert baby in her arms. "Rolan Chose me the day after my husband died as my sister-wife and I were running away from the Holdings rather than be married again."

Selenay absolutely could not help herself: she stared, then buried her face in her hands for a moment just for the sheer absurdity of the situation. This girl, this tiny girl who didn't look older than twelve, had just stunned her with one action or word right after another, and then made a baby appear in her lap. She sighed and looked up at Talia again.

"How did you _do_ that? The babe...she just appeared!" Selenay was aware that she was slightly hysterical, if not visibly so.

"I'm still not quite sure." the girl looked down at her daughter and fondly brushed the downy hair off her forehead. "I was afraid my husband would hurt her, and I wanted to hide her from him. I think I tried to shield her, and hid her entirely by reflex. I had to learn how to do it again, but it's very useful." she finished earnestly.

"I should say so." Selenay agreed, still in a mild state of shock. "Could you teach someone else how to do it?" the ramifications of all the Heralds with the proper gifts being capable of hiding things so thoroughly enchanted the Queen.

"I think so." Talia frowned, her eyes going slightly distant in the way that all Heralds' did when mindspeaking.

"Rolan thinks it takes Empathy and Mindspeech both, but that it probably doesn't take as strong an Empath as I am." she said, then leaned forward with such solemnity and gravitas that Selenay was forced to stifle a chuckle at the incongruity of such an expression on such a young girl's face.

"Majesty," she began, but Selenay waved her hand irritably.

"I'm Selenay to all of the Heraldic Circle unless it's a formal occasion."

"Selenay," the girl corrected herself with a bit of a wary look, "Rolan and I talked a great deal on our way here, and we came to some conclusions - some of which you may not agree with at first. Rolan is filling your Caryo in on our talks right now." That wary look in her eyes didn't dissipate. Selenay concluded regretfully that the girl was reflexively wary of potentially upsetting her - or probably any older woman. She spared a moment to wonder just how harshly Holderfolk treated their daughters, then mentally set that aside for a future conversation.

"Just what conclusions would these be?" she inquired smoothly. Bright Havens only knew they needed a fresh perspective, after all. Talia visibly relaxed at the lack of hostility.

"Talamir's death wasn't investigated thoroughly nor quickly enough. By now there's next to no hope of catching the murderers - if there were any - so we're left playing catch-up. So: he died unexpectedly right after the council was made aware that arrangements were being made to foster out your daughter to his relations. That speaks to me that someone wanted her to stay, and by deciding that the future Queen's Own would be responsible for improving the Heir Apparent, right here in the Palace Grounds, you've done exactly what they wanted."

she paused for a long moment and eyed Selenay who nodded impatiently to show she followed.

"But what else could we do?" Selenay asked with a touch of asperity, "Talamir was the only one who could convince his relatives to foster Elspeth."

Talia gave Selenay a long look which clearly said she thought the woman was being horribly dense but she was too polite - or afraid - to point that out.

"I suppose Talamir was the only Herald who has a family?" she more said than asked, and Selenay nearly indulged in a heartfelt groan when she saw what the girl was saying.

"We've had tunnel vision." she sighed in lieu of swearing profusely. "Obviously Talamir isn't the only Herald with family, but his solution seemed so perfect that when he died we gave up on getting Elspeth out of Court."

"I already know of a few families which may be excellent candidates to take Elspeth," Talia told the queen with too-old eyes in that young face, "but considering what happened to my predecessor, I suggest that no one outside the Circle be told until Elspeth is long gone."

"How old are you?" Selenay asked suddenly, struck with the incongruity of easy wisdom and insecurities existed simultaneously in this young woman. Talia retreated a little, her face smoothing out and blankening.

"Fourteen." she responded, the wariness in her tone returning.

"So young." Selenay mused, "And so very much Queen's Own already, after being here half a mark."

Shyly, Talia returned the Queen's smile.

* * *

A/N: Reviews are the only payment an author gets. It's hard to be motivated to write if no one tells you they like your shit!

Also, I fix most of my errors because some reviewer helpfully pointed them out, so that's nice too and stuff.


	6. Chapter 6

It didn't take terribly long for Talia and Selenay to come up with workable version of Talia and Rolan's tentative plans. The Queen wholeheartedly approved of getting her Queen's Own into Whites as soon as possible, and was surprised but supportive of using Rolan and Talia's strong bond to give Talia the information she would need to test out of all the lower classes and no few of the higher ranked ones.

Talia looked up from the floor where she and Selenay had been kneeling and playing with Kalene while they talked just in time to see a thin, bespectacled, Whites-clad, older man slip in through the same door which the Queen had used. Her words died in her throat and she wilted a bit before rallying herself.

 _Heralds are safe._ she told herself firmly, and did her best to tamp down the anxiety she felt at his unexpected presence.

"Ah, Elcarth!" Selenay sounded, looked, and felt pleased in Talia's estimation.

"It's been awhile since we had a Trainee with a child." the Dean commented, then, "You must be Talia."

"Sir." murmured Talia, her throat suddenly dry and raspy.

"Her daughter is called Kalene." Selenay informed the Dean. "We will be keeping her existence as private as possible. Talia and her Rolan seem to be quite the schemers, and Talia herself already has an aptitude for politics." Talia saw a knowing glance pass between the Herald and Monarch, and hoped they took the potential threat which was the Unaffiliated noble Collegium students as seriously as she did.

Politics seemed to be similar to life on the Border, and when there was a feud between Holdings, everyone right down the youngest children held the grudge till the issue had been resolved. She had no doubt that the Blues - children and relations of the nobles on the Council - would be apathetic towards her at absolute best, and murderous at worst. She only hoped that Talamir would be the only casualty of the fracas.

Selenay rose to her feet gracefully and smoothed the front of her Whites. "There are only twenty-four marks in a day, and the demands on a Queen's time never ends, I'm afraid. Talia, do let me know how you're getting on."

Talia nodded, scooped up Kalene and stood as well. She and Elcarth offered small bows to the Monarch as she departed.

"Well, youngling," Elcarth said with an intensity to his gaze that made Talia feel as though he were dissecting her, "I'm told that you won't be needing any of the lower classes, aside from weapons work."

Talia's stomach twisted painfully. Weapons-work! She hadn't even considered that. She pictured herself holding a weapon _(burning, agonizing pain as Justus took the poker away from her, holding her wrist tightly, and pressed the red-hot tip into her palm.)_ and nearly gagged. She made a valiant effort to keep her face smooth and the misery out of her voice when she asked "I don't suppose there's any way to be exempted from weapons work, is there?"

"No; I'm afraid not." Elcarth's voice was gentle. He led her down more of those complex, confusing corridors, asking questions along the way. They were on a variety of seemingly disconnected topics. Talia thought he was pleased more often than not by her answers, and she breathed an inward sigh of relief that Rolan's "lessons" had reliably left the knowledge she needed in her head. It felt like she'd learned and understood it; not at all like a series of facts she'd memorized.

Out of habit and reflex she occasionally relaxed her shielding to sense his emotions, but she found that he was difficult to read. He seemed unruffled and almost serene if not for the interest and curiosity she felt in him. He was peculiar in that his emotional state didn't buffet her shields; instead, he kept his mind and emotions confined tightly around him. Talia hadn't noticed anything of the sort in anyone else she'd been around, save Healer Rathis, and she wondered if that meant he had an empathic or mental Gift.

Finally, they turned into a small office which had well organized floor-to ceiling shelves, and books and papers stacked up against every possible surface. Elcarth seated himself behind the desk and followed her gaze to the organized chaos.

"I'm an historian," he said wryly, "as well as the Dean, and for some reason that means every bit of paper and book anyone thinks looks interesting finds their way here."

Despite his words, Talia got the distinct sense that he loved it.

"Well, Talia," he said, "Down to business. I could put you in a larger room, to accommodate your having a child, but everyone who found out would find it odd, since you'll be concealing her existence for the foreseeable future."

"I'm sure the standard room will be fine, sir." Talia said, hoping fervently that it wasn't _too_ small. She could only imagine the tiny shoeboxes they must crowd the Trainees into, but resolved that she would make it work. Elcarth nodded at her and pulled a sheet of paper out of a precarious stack and began writing on it with a well-worn pen.

"Your schedule will be rather full if you intend to attempt to graduate in three years," he told her, somehow managing to speak and write fluently simultaneously, "But certainly doable. Selenay said you were to be exempted from chores, which is standard for Trainees with children."

He paused in both writing and talking and peered at her, birdlike, over the rim of his spectacles. "The other Trainees will notice rather quickly that you don't have chores. It is, of course, your choice to tell whomever you wish about your daughter's existence, but I would suggest that you trust the entirety of the Circle. If you ask, I'm certain no one will mention her to a non-Herald."

Talia swallowed around the lump in her throat. "As you say." she managed, barely above a whisper. Elcarth raised an eyebrow again, then handed Talia the paper. She scanned it quickly to see it was a schedule of a seven-day period. She blinked at it and nearly giggled. This is what Elcarth called "rather full?" Her first class wasn't till a full mark after sunrise, and her last class was barely into midday. Mentally she added in a few hours a day of attending Selenay and council meetings and maintained her relief. She would have plenty of time to acclimatize and be with Kalene.

Elcarth moved to the door and waved down a passing-by, Gray-clad Trainee

"Ah, Sherrill; just who I was looking for." a girl a few years older than Talia, with a sturdy build and reddish-brown hair popped into the study and surveyed the girl therein with an open and friendly expression. Talia didn't sense any negative emotions - curiosity was prevalent, as it had been in every Herald she'd met so far - and reluctantly made the choice to not specifically hide her daughter's presence from the other girl.

"This is Talia," Elcarth said, "Newly Chosen of Rolan and her daughter, Kalene. Please do show her around and be available if she needs you for the next few months at least. I think you have a lot in common - Talia is from the Border as well."

Sherrill peered at Talia and the infant the younger girl was clutching in her arms. "Is that so?" she asked, looking a bit doubtful. "Can you read?"

Talia nodded and rose to her feet to follow Sherrill, who was already half-way back into the corridor.

"Well, then!" Sherrill laughed, "You're up on me when I arrived - I was an illiterate little brat who had to be held down in the tub!"

"Held down?" Talia queried skeptically.

"I'm from Lake Evendim - fisherfolk stock. They don't think bathing too often is healthy. It took me quite awhile to get used to daily baths. The washerwomen had to empty out the water in the tub three times before you could see my skin was pink instead of brown!"

Talia eyed the self-confident, tidy young woman with a fair amount of disbelief. It seemed inconceivable that she could have been what Sherrill described.

"Holderfolk believe strongly in cleanliness." she settled on a response, "I strongly prefer to bathe every day."

"Good job, then!" Sherrill said exuberantly. She seemed the sort to be exuberant nearly all the time and Talia privately hoped that wasn't the case - it was exhausting to be around.

"Elcarth's office is at the far east end of the Herald's wing," Sherrill turned a bit more serious as she began to describe and explain the entire Collegium.

"...what room are you in? Ah, so that's right here." Sherrill opened a plain door with a flourish. Talia stepped inside and looked around with a sense of wonder. This room - this large, airy room was all hers? It was larger than the room she'd shared with Gemna! It was impersonal but clean - Talia's saddlebags were already draped across the bed - and she imagined it with her belongings put away, and a little cot for Kalene when she got a little older.

"Look, here's a new home." she whispered to Kalene, turning in place and displaying the room in all its glory to the five week old infant. "Just like I promised. We're free here, darling."

Sherrill took a key off the doorknob and handed it to her with a grin. "Sure is something, huh?" she said, clearly wistful. "Fisherfolk don't have much extra room on boats. When I got here I could hardly sleep without half the clan snoring in my ear, but I loved the privacy."

She wrote "Talia" on a piece of paper with a flourish and slid it into a small brass fitting alongside the door.

Talia sat down on the bed, feeling self conscious about getting the blankets all grubby, and began rummaging through her bags one-handed.

"I can hold her while you do that," Sherrill offered, a little self-consciously and with a bit of longing. A bolt of fear hit Talia and she froze, staring up at the Trainee and reflexively clutched Kalene closer.

"Unless you don't want me to!" Sherrill raised her hands placatingly, a spike of hurt flavoring her words.

"Actually," Talia said slowly, forcing her fingers to loosen from their grip on her daughter's clothes, "that would be helpful. Thank you." Deliberately, she held out Kalene and arranged her in Sherrill's arms.

"You've held a baby before!" she exclaimed, as Sherrill comfortably adjusted the baby with ease.

"Huge clan of tightly-knit fisher-folk." Sherrill returned good naturedly. "Couldn't get to be five seasons old without some beleagured parent handing you their squalling little to play with while they went about their business."

Talia nodded knowingly, pulling out some clean clothes for Kalene, then hesitated over her own, somewhat dustier tunics.

"Bring all your clothes along," Sherrill ordered. "We'll get clean uniforms for you on our way to the baths, and you can drop your off-duty clothes in the hamper to get washed."

"Bath?" Talia's head snapped up, this time with longing written all over her countenance. Sherrill giggled.

"Baths every day -required! We have endless hot water, too, since our cleaning water is stored in tanks over the furnaces and stoves."

Talia felt as though she had been offered paradise on a platter. "I will scrub my skin off." she vowed. "Three weeks without a proper bath is far too long, Sherrill." she said vehemently, sparking another laugh from her guide.

"I agree with you now," she said, slinging the arm that wasn't cradling Kalene over Talia's shoulder, "but my twelve year old self would profoundly disagree." and she steered Talia out the door and down yet another identical corridor.

"Now," said Sherrill, "There are really four Collegiums here, and we share a few classes with each of them. The Healers wear Green, and the Trainees wear a lighter shade. The Bards wear scarlet, and their Trainees are in a rust-brown. The Blues..." she trailed off for a moment. Talia picked up.

"The Blues are officially unaffiliated, and are children of nobles or exceptionally intelligent students here on scholarship. I should be wary of them because their parents might tell them to give me a hard time."

Sherrill broadcast pure astonishment. "How did you know that?" she queried, wide-eyed.

"Rolan told me all about it on the way here." Talia said somberly, to Sherrill's increasing astonishment.

"You can mindspeak your Companion already?" she all but gasped out. "That's incredible! I'm blocked - can't mindspeak Silkswift unless I'm scared stiff. Most Trainees can't use their gifts much at all till they're my age or better."

"My gifts manifested around when I got married." Talia said, lost in her thoughts.

"You're married?!"

Talia reflected that it was really getting very tiresome to explain her life to everyone she met.

"Was." she said tersely. "He died, thank the Lady." and lasped back into morose silence.

"Erm, well," Sherrill said eloquently, "So you know about the Blues already. Here's Housekeeping!" With an air of relief, Sherrill guided Talia down a staircase which went below the ground floor and to the whitewashed room at the very bottom. It was illuminated by a window near the very top of the room, and inhabited by a matronly, middle-aged woman who smiled at them as they entered.

"Here's a new one!" Sherrill said cheerfully, closing the door neatly behind them. The woman eyed Talia carefully.

"Goodness, you're a small one!" she said, "About a seven, I'd measure. We don't get many Chosen as small as you. Do you bring anything with you, dear?"

Talia nodded and listed off her belongings, then gestured towards her daughter in the crook of Sherrill's elbow, "And nearly everything I need for her, as well, except I need some nappies in a larger size; she'll outgrow those pretty quickly."

"We don't get many Chosen with babies, either!" the woman commented, a bit stunned. "How old are you?"

Talia stood up straighter. "Fourteen. Rolan Chose me the day after my husband died. Please..." she let the fear she felt show on her face. "Please don't let anyone who isn't a Herald know about her."

The woman looked concerned and shocked. "I won't...but fourteen?" she she inquired. Talia nearly succumbed to the urge to scream.

"It's very common on the Borders to get married by thirteen. My husband died a month ago; Rolan chose me right after."

Sherrill nodded. "We breed 'em young and often in the Border sectors, Matron." she chimed in. "There's no one true way, after all, and if Borderfolk abided by inKingdom customs we'd never be able to hold onto our lands."

"It...still seems barbaric." the Housekeeper said slowly.

"It can be." Talia acknowledged, "But still necessary where half the young men fall to brigands before they get to twenty-five."

The Housekeeper blinked away her look of astonishment, vanished through a small door behind her desk, then reemerged with a pile of clothing and a lumpy bag.

"Collegium rules are that you wash before every meal and have a hot bath every night," she said, handing half the pile to Talia and half to Sherrill. "Dirty clothing goes down the laundry chute in the bathroom; Sherrill will show you where that is. You change the sheets on your bed once a week; you'll get them with the rest of the girls, and the old ones go in the laundry. If you've been working with your Companion or at arms practice, change your clothing before you eat. There's no shortage of soap and hot water here, and staying clean is very important. Heralds have to be trusted on sight, and who'd trust a slovenly Herald? You can get clean uniforms from me whenever you need them. I know this may not be what you're used to "

"I had trouble with it," Sherrill put in. "Where I come from you don't wash in the winter since there's no way to heat enough water, and you'd probably get pneumonia from the drafts. I never visit home in the winter anymore my nose has gotten a lot more sensitive since I left!"(1)

Talia reflected on the rabid cleanliness of the Holderfolk from Keldar's thrice-daily inspections, the hours spent scrubbing every surface in the house, and the mantra "Cleanliness is next to godliness."

"I don't think I'll have any trouble." she said ruefully.

"Excellent. Sherrill must have told you already that all Trainees have some small chores every day; what can you do?" The Housekeeper inquired. Talia responded by handing the woman the sealed note that Elcarth had included and told her to give to the Housekeeper. She broke the wax and peered over the contents.

"Ah, well," the Housekeeper said, "I suppose it does make sense to exempt a parent from extra work on top of caring for their child. You'd best get a move on, Sherrill. It's only a mark til supper. Talia, please do return if you need additional supplies for the babe."

Talia inclined her head and followed Sherrill back to her room to unpack what the Housekeeper had given her.

There were hose, leggings for cooler weather, light and heavyweight tunics, a warm coat, nightgown, socks, long breeches and skirts, and duplicates of everything in thick wool. The Housekeeper had also included several sizes of nappies and soft, warm blankets which could only be for Kalene.

Sherrill sat on the floor, bounced the baby, and chattered while Talia marveled over the easy generosity of the Palace.

"You'll have to make do with your own boots until you get some properly fitted to you. Badly fitting boots are worse than none, but Keren - that's the riding instructor - would have your hide if you tried to ride barefoot. Unless," she added thoughtfully, "you were riding bareback, I suppose."

Talia had just finished putting away the last of her things when a bell sounded in the hall outside.

"Is that the bell for supper?" Talia inquired. Sherrill shook her head, still making a funny face at Kalene.

"Nay; it's the warning bell. We still have time to wash up beforehand. Grab a uniform and some clothes for the munchkin!"

* * *

The bathing room was crowded and cacophanous. Sherrill steered Talia through the throng to an empty tub, pointed out the laundry chute, supplies for moon-days, bars of soaps, and towels. They scrubbed themselves quickly, then Talia washed Kalene as promptly as anyone could wash a wiggly, slippery infant, and Sherrill escorted her to the dining hall.

Supper was in a communal room which was just as noisy and cheerful as the bathing room. There were mostly gray uniforms in evidence, with a spattering of adults in Whites around the room.

"Are all the Heralds teachers?" she asked Sherrill, voice as quiet as she thought she could get away with and still be heard.

"Nay," Sherrill responded after swallowing her bite of food and patting her lips fastidiously. "About half are teachers; the rest are retired Heralds who live here but don't wish to eat with the court, graduated students who haven't gone out on assignment yet, and Heralds who aren't on assignment right now. There are only four Heralds who are permanently assigned to the Palace. To the Queen, that's Dean Elcarth. To the Lord Marshal, that's Hedric, and we don't see him much. To the Seneschal, that's Kyril. They nearly always have to eat with the Court. Usually there's a fourth, but..." she stopped abruptly, looking at Talia sideways.

"That's Talamir, who died, or was possibly murdered." Talia sighed, leaning in towards Sherrill and whispering.

"How did you know that...? Ah, Rolan told you?" Sherrill concluded. Talia nodded.

"I thought - and he agreed - that I should be abreast of happenings in the Court which might affect or endanger me." she said, fingers fluttering over Kalene's hair in agitation.

"Yes." Sherrill said reluctantly, unwilling to think about the fact that tiny, delicate looking Talia might be in danger. Talia gave her a small smile.

"We've hashed out a decent plan, Rolan and I." she said. "I'm more worried about Kalene than myself. What if the Blues or their parents get it in their heads that they can get to me through my daughter? Could you pass it around the Collegium that no-one should talk to any non-Herald about her?"

"Sure thing." Sherrill agreed immediately. "Don't think the Blues will try anything, though. They know there's scrutiny on all the noble families after Talamir died so suddenly. If they do harass you," she looked grim and amused all at once, "Let me know. My friends and I have taken the scales off the Blues every now and then. We can do it again."

Talia ducked her head a little, hoping that Rolan was right and that the Trainees and Heralds would be on her side. It still seemed so fantastical - that there was an entire culture of people who would automatically want to protect and look after Talia, just because she _was_.

Talia pushed her empty plate away. "I'm done, and I need to feed Kalene." she told Sherrill, whose plate was nearly as empty as her own.

"I've dishwashing tonight or I'd follow you around all evening." Sherrill said. "Will you be alright alone or shall I call one of my mates to show you around some more?"

"I think I'll be fine." Talia responded. "I'd like to see the library, so I'll probably be there most of the evening, if that's all right."

"That's what it's there for!" Sherrill said with her habitual cheeriness. "I'll come by for you in the morning to show you to all your classes." and then she clattered down the stairs, and Talia cautiously went up them.

She reached out for Rolan and found him in a fantastic mood, surrounded by the Companions in residence, rather like he were holding a court session with four-legged nobles. She stifled a mental laugh at the image. He reacted immediately to her reach and sent pleased emotions down their bond.

 _:Settling in?:_ he inquired solicitously.

 _:Mm.:_ Talia agreed. _:Can you direct me to the library?:_ she bounced Kalene a little with an extra spring in her step as she went, soothing the hungry, fussy baby.

Rolan focused a little and directed her up a flight of stairs and through a series of halls while they chatted about the Collegium and Talia's impressions of people.

 _:They're all good people.:_ he reassured her once again. _:The Companions are a failsafe. We don't let anyone slip; not since...well. There's only been one Herald who a Companion has ever repudiated and we're quite determined that we don't let that happen again.:_

Talia quite forgot what she was going to say as she opened one last door and the entire library came into view. Rolan chuckled at her awe.

 _:It's quite something, isn't it! I'll let you bask for awhile.:_

Talia sent back wordless assent and kept feasting on the sight. Books, stacked to the ceiling! Books, in every shape, size, and color. Books on shelves so high there were ladders to reach the top, and a staircase to another level of books! Talia fairly floated into the library. Kalene was fussing in earnest, now, so Talia quickly found an out of the way corner, unwrapped Kalene from her chest, and put her on the tit.

"There's so many books! It's like heaven!" she whispered, petting her daughter's hair and smiling down at her content little face.

Kalene waved a chubby little fist and continued to focus on getting her own dinner into her stomach as quickly as possible. Talia chuckled and caught the tiny hand gently.

"Momma couldn't read all these books in a year! Not even if I read a book every day." she continued, still in total awe of the sheer number of tomes surrounding her. She wondered if there were tales in the library, or if they were all histories and lessons.

 _It's a library for Heralds. There has to be tales_ of _the Heralds, at least!_ she thought hopefully, and carefully stood, still feeding Kalene, and padded over to the nearest shelf.

 _This is worth coming to Haven for._

She selected a likely-looking title and settled down to read.

Dusk had fully fallen while she fed her daughter, and Talia was settled in a cubicle with her sleepy daughter and the book she'd selected - the tale of Herald-Mage Vanyel - when she heard footsteps nearby. Cautiously, she peeked out and came face-to-face with an incredibly handsome face. Talia swallowed hard and would have been hardpressed to not bolt immediately, but he was wearing Whites, and so she stood her ground.

"Hello!" he said in a cheerful tenor. "You must be new here. I'm Kris." He was the picture of health, youth, and beauty. His Whites were perfectly clean and pressed; every lock of raven hair was in place; his teeth were straight and white, and his sky-blue eyes were, Talia thought sourly, probably the source of much swooning among the court beauties.

"I'm Talia." she said, more shyly than she wished, and reminded herself again that there was _no such thing_ as an evil Herald.

 _Justus cannot hurt you anymore. He's dead, and so is Alessin._ _We're_ safe _here._ she told herself firmly.

"Have you been up here before?" Kris inquired.

"No; first time." Talia admitted, casting her gaze around the huge room again. Kris laughed a little.

"It's pretty grand, isn't it? Well, the rules of the library are pretty simple." he said, tone becoming a little patronizing. "You can read anything you want, but you can't take books out of the library without Elcarth or the Librarian's permission. And when you're done reading, put the book back right where you found it, or on one of the tables if you can't 's pretty simple, eh?"

Talia bristled at his superior tone, then blinked and smiled to herself. This was _Kris!_ Dirk had told her about him.

"Yes, very." she said, straightening and looking him squarely in the eye. "As simple as stuffing a chicken."

His mouth worked for a moment and his eyes widened before he burst into laughter.

"Ouch!" he said, clapping a hand to his face. "Is there anyone in the blasted kingdom who hasn't heard that yet? I'm sorry; I suppose I deserved that for talking down to you." he smiled at her very charmingly. Talia was affected, but only in the sense that she was more uncomfortable in his presence. It amused her, very darkly, that handsome men paying attention to her made her want to flee instead of flirt.

"I hope you enjoy yourself," the Herald went on, "and like it here at the Collegium."

"So do I." Talia agreed, and ducked back into her cubicle as Kris strode deeper into the library.

She wandered for awhile long in the library until she found herself yawning, and then she padded back to her room and collected a nightgown. She left Kalene, sound asleep, in the cot which had been delivered to her room, and went off to bathe more thoroughly than the quick scrub she'd had before supper. The bathing room had a set of indoor latrines right next to them, which they'd had at Sensholding and Julsholding, so she wasn't surprised by them. She _was_ enchanted by the taps with hot water in the bathing room, though.

On the Holdings all the hot water had to be heated and carried by hand out of the kitchen, and then reused from the littles to the older children until it was too dirty to clean anymore. She bathed in the gloriously, perfectly hot water, and delighted in sending her grubby underthings down the laundry chute.

Washing them by hand in streams with soaproot on their journey to Haven had not been pleasant, and Talia was more than happy to relegate that task to the foot-pedaled washing machines that Sherrill had described.

Finally, sleepy, clean, and content, Talia climbed into her new bed, fingers dangling into Kalene's cot, and reached out to Rolan. With her daughter by her side and Rolan radiating security and confidence, she slept.

* * *

(1): quote from Arrows of the Queen.


	7. Chapter 7

With Sherrill steering her around the Collegium in her every spare moment, Talia quickly learned the quickest route to and from nearly every pertinent location in the Palace. Her first few days were hectic, terrifying, and terribly fun. She took Kalene with her to some classes by necessity, but Sherrill had come to the rescue and rounded up a half a dozen Trainees who were willing to watch a baby in their free time.

It was a wrench in Talia's heart every time she left her daughter in the arms of a stranger, but as she and Rolan reminded herself many times a day, Heralds were _safe_. It helped that she honestly liked most of the Heralds and Trainee's she'd met so far.

Teren, who taught history and ethics was so gentle and kind it was hard to be afraid of him, and his twin sister Keren who taught all things to do with horsemanship was friendly and talkative enough to entirely make up for Talia's frequently laconic conversation.

Ylsa was another of the Heralds in residence, and was Keren's...well, Talia wasn't quite sure what to call it. She'd heard Sherrill refer to them, wistfully, as lifemates, but they acted like they were married. That was only a surprise to Talia insofar as they were open about it; plenty of women on the Holdings had "special friends" among the other wives, but it was kept very quiet indeed. Ylsa didn't teach, even though she lived nearly full time at the Palace - she was a Special Messenger. Talia gathered that it was like being a courier, except that she and her Companion were expected to be even faster and more reliable than the already speedy and steady couriers.

Alberich, the Weaponsmaster, was another of the Heralds in residence with whom Talia saw regularly, but that was far from a delight for her. Alberich was huge, gruff, and every time he strode in her direction, sword in hand, Talia had to brace herself not to flee.

She acknowledged that most of her fear stemmed directly from the weapons work itself; Alberich may have looked fearsome, but she never sensed anger or malice towards her from him. Since he'd started having her use a staff rather than a practice sword, even weapons work was tolerable. It was just unnerving for her, being around the huge weaponsmaster.

Life the first few weeks in Haven, Talia found, was almost entirely pleasant. The Blues largely ignored her, surrounded as she was by other Trainees in Gray, all the Heralds were pleasant, she loved her classes, and she got to spend hours on end with Kalene. The entire thing felt like a vague, happy dream, and so Talia mistrusted it.

Paradoxically, the more comfortable she got in her routines, the tenser she was. At night she took to walking the corridors with Kalene rather than lie in bed and fret.

One of those nights, Talia paced down the hallway, Kalene securely tied to her chest. It had been an incredibly busy last week, and not having found someone to watch her daughter for the entire day had complicated her schedule immensely. If Kalene had still been a newborn she could have taken her daughter to classes much more easily, but at nearly two months old, the baby was sleeping less and getting more active.

Sherrill and her posse of child-minders _had_ been a huge help in watching her daughter for a few hours each day, but they were mostly in their last year of Grays and so their schedules were hardly lighter than Talia's. Ylsa and Keren were both far too busy with classes and various other duties to help much, either.

It was late, but Talia's mind was so occupied with her new, overwhelming life, that she couldn't sleep. She turned another corner and, half-way down it, realized that she'd wandered into the corridors which contained the full Heralds' permanent quarters.

Gentle harp music drifting out of the open door on her left drew her attention, and Talia turned to slip away as not to disturb the inhabitant. The music changed tunes abruptly before she managed to get a pace away.

"Come in!" a cheery voice invited. Talia hesitated, hands brushing nervously over her daughter's soft hair, then pushed the door open and stepped inside.

It was dimly illuminated, but no more so than the corridors, and Talia could clearly make out the figure of an older, gray-haired man sitting in an armchair by the fireplace. A travel sized harp - clearly the source of the music - was on his lap. As Talia padded closer to the elderly Herald, she saw he was missing a leg, and relaxed infinitesimally. A one-legged old man was no threat to her, especially not since he was a Herald.

He regarded her with open curiosity in his eyes.

"I'd say you must be a new Trainee, but I'm afraid I've been so cloistered the last few years that I haven't the faintest clue." he admitted cheerfully, gesturing for her to sit, "Why were you lingering outside my door?"

"I couldn't sleep." Talia said, perching on the edge of the chair which he'd indicated.

"And what could trouble your mind, youngling?" his words were light, but she sensed caring and concern from him, and she responded to it immediately.

"I'm the new Queen's Own." she sighed eloquently and spread her hands as though to encompass all the problems which fell to her by virtue of being in that position. He nodded knowingly.

"Talamir was my close friend. The only one I had left. It was honestly a surprise that he lived as long as he did." the old man said, picking out a melancholy riffle of music to accompany his words. "But now he's at peace in the Bright Havens with his beloved Taver."

Talia sat and projected that bit of understanding receptiveness which she'd learned to cultivate when Selenay sought her out to talk.

"Perhaps I've been too absorbed in my own mind recently," he said wryly, "to have not heard that there was a new Monarch's Own. What is your name, child? I am Jadus."

"Talia." the child in question responded, carefully concealing her surprise. She'd heard stories about Jadus, but had been under the impression he'd died years prior. From all accounts he was a good man and an excellent Herald.

She relaxed back into her chair a little more, carefully not touching Kalene for reassurement as she often did. Jadus's old eyes looked sharp and cunning to her; she wouldn't put it past a seemingly retired, lost old Herald to see things others missed.

"May I offer you some tea or water?" he inquired, and Talia suppressed a mirthless smile. Such things were meant to put people at ease, but being raised as she had, being offered tea and conversation by a man would only serve to put any Holder raised woman on edge. She accepted nonetheless.

"So you're the new Queen's Own." Jadus mused as she sipped at the - really quite excellent - herbal concoction he'd handed her with a murmur of "Helps with insomnia."

She nodded and swallowed her tea hastily. "Rolan Chose me five weeks ago, and I've been in Haven for the last two. It's been...interesting. I'm from the Border, and the Collegium alone is larger than any town I'd seen in my life."

True. It was larger than any town she'd seen, but certainly not bigger than a meeting of two or three established Holdings.

"Have the Blues been giving you any trouble? I'm sure someone's filled you in by now but it is strongly suspected that Talamir's death wasn't natural." he looked genuinely grieved. Talia forcibly reminded herself that while it was impossible that any Herald intentionally betrayed Talamir or was complicit in his murder, it was entirely possible that a wrong comment at the wrong time inadvertently allowed the suspected poisoning to take place. Since Jadus was lonely and a contemporary of her predecessor, it was entirely possible that he had spoken to the wrong person a bit too familiarly.

Who wouldn't be concerned for the elderly, ailing Queen's Own? Who wouldn't commiserate with an old acquaintance about his habits and failing health?

Talia would not have been able to think along these lines a year ago, she knew, and while she cursed Alessin and the nightmares from her marriage to him she still had, she was grateful for the valuable lessons her eleven months of matrimony had taught her. Nevertheless, she responded truthfully.

"Not particularly," she said, truthfully. "But I've been keeping very close to other Trainees and Heralds."

"And may it remain thus." he responded, emanating relief. "If they do bother you, don't keep it to yourself, youngling." he advised. "Elcarth may only be Dean of the Heralds' Collegium, but he has a lot of sway in court and with the other Deans."

Talia ducked her head in an approximation of a nod. It felt...selfish to her, to bother the Dean, or really anyone, with any troubles she had. After all they'd done for her...burdening them more?

"And you can always come talk to me. I'm told I'm an excellent listener." he added, a small smile hanging around the corners of his eyes and turning the edges of his lips up.

"I may take you up on that." she said with a small smile, and sipped her tea again to give her time to think.

She and Jadus chatted a little longer, Talia relaxing and unwinding as they did so. Jadus, perhaps sensing her reluctance to continue discussing the political situation, led the conversation to milder topics. They talked about music, of course, and he coaxed her into singing a little ditty with him. His lap harp provided a beautiful counterpoint to the simple melody that Talia knew well enough to sing by heart, and she wondered if it was the lack of expectations or the spectacular tea which made her so at ease in his presence. Perhaps, she mused, it was also the lack of a leg. It was easier to feel safe around a man when he lacked the ability to rise and threaten you.

A solid hour passed before Talia left, finally feeling tired enough to rest, and mentally relaxed enough to sleep. Before she left, Jadus offered to teach her to play the harp as well. With an eagerness to learn she hadn't know before she'd possessed, she accepted, and promised to come back the next day.

Stomach full of tea, the herbs in it pleasantly smoothing out the jagged lines of her thoughts, Talia slept soundly that night, and for once, Kalene did as well.

* * *

The last week before Gemna was due to arrive, Talia's fairly regular schedule got a bit more hectic. Selenay began seeking her out at random times of the day, only to talk for a very few minutes before departing rarely understood the entirety of what Selenay had on her mind, but was pleased that their chats seemed to help the Queen.

She almost felt that she became more, or other, when Selenay would drop into step with her in a hall or garden. Her mind seemed to become a bit clearer, her thoughts to run deeper than they usually did. She mentioned this to Rolan one afternoon as he ambled around Companion's Field, Talia draped lazily across his bare back.

"Talia, you're Queen's Own." he said, amusement colouring his mental tone. "You're uniquely qualified to understand Selenay's troubles and help her with them. I don't know what it is, but it's why I sought you out - why I Chose you."

"Oh." she digested this, sitting upright. "So I'm not possessed by the ghosts of Queen's Own past?"

Rolan's mirth cascaded over her, until she was laughing helplessly with the ludicrousness of the idea herself.

"Nay," Rolan said finally, his mental laughter dying down, "It's all you, dearheart. It's all your own wisdom."

Talia blushed and clamped down on shields, trying not to let Rolan see how pleased and embarassed she was over the compliment.

When she wasn't in classes or talking with Selenay, the other Trainees and several of the Heralds kept randomly ambushing Talia. Sherrill would drop by her room, sprawl all over the floor with her coursebooks, and chatter at Talia as much as studying. Griffon and the twins, always waved her over for lunch, and Keren would drop a shoulder over her arms, steer her off to her and Ylsa's rooms where the two would coo over Kalene and ply Talia with cups of tea.

She was bewildered and overwhelmed by all the positive attention, and even more bewildered when when people continued to specifically seek her out when she was anywhere but with Rolan. It seemed to be an unspoken understanding that when a Herald - and especially a Trainee - was alone with their Companion to let them be.

Dirk and Kris kept showing up in Talia's vicinity as well. Usually it was one or the other, but occasionally both of them would sit on either side of her at a meal and cheerfully engage her in one of their never-ending, amiable arguments.

Talia was flustered but eager to be around Dirk, apprehensive but friendly to Kris, and endlessly amused by the two of them when they were together.

About half the time in the evenings she made her way to Jadus's rooms, Kalene now visible to the old man, and let him dandle the baby while she plucked away, barely melodiously, on My Lady's strings.

"Who watches her?" Jadus asked, breaking the silence unexpectedly enough that Talia's fingers jerked and twanged out a terrible note on the harp. They both winced; Talia automatically flattened her hand against the strings to muffle the sound.

"Sherrill and a few of her friends when they have time." she responded, a tad warily. "When they don't, I take her to classes with me."

He bounced Kalene on his knee gently and wrinkled his nose at her. "That sounds inconvenient." he commented. "Didn't I hear that you're trying to keep knowledge of her existence within the Circle? Bustling around the Collegium with a baby - hidden or not - can't be helpful with that."

Talia shook her head slowly. "It isn't. But everyone is too busy to watch her all day."

Jadus raised an eyebrow and gestured towards himself meaningfully with his free hand.

"Oh, I, but..." Talia failed to form a coherent thought.

"Am old? Am crippled?" Jadus radiated amusement. "I've held quite a few littles in my years, Talia." he said, "And quite frankly, I've been hiding in my rooms, lost in my memories and regrets quite long enough. A child is an excellent distraction from the old days."

Talia floundered mentally for a moment longer, then smiled in relief. "That would be extremely helpful, Jadus. Thank you."

* * *

Half a candlemark before dusk, in the late spring, just three weeks after Talia and Kalene had been swept into Haven, a grinning Sherrill escorted a very dusty and rosy-cheeked Genma into Talia's room.

"On your feet, Trainee!" Sherrill trilled as the door flew open. Talia, accustomed to Sherrill bursting into her room randomly, barely reacted and didn't look up from her books.

"What if the baby was sleeping? Sherrill!" she complained, then whipped her head around when she heard a familiar giggle.

"I found a parcel in the mailroom with your name on it." Sherrill grinned as Talia's face grew suffused with delight as she saw her sister-wife. "It's a noisy package. Thought you'd better get a special delivery so the mail clerks didn't toss it out."

"Gemna!" she bounded to her feet and embraced the younger girl, then held her at arm's length and examined her. "You're looking well." Talia pronounced, and ushered the girl to the bed and sat down with her. "How was your journey?"

"Long, Firstwife." Gemna said ruefully, then perked up. "The city is amazing! And the palace! I never could have imagined the like." she said, eyes huge in her face.

"Talia. Please. I'm just Talia now, not 'Firstwife'." Talia insisted, then chuckled and squeezed Gemna around the shoulders. "How about a bath, then we talk?"

Gemna clasped her hands together and tucked them under her chin. "A bath sounds _heavenly_." she breathed, then frowned. "I haven't anything clean to wear, though."

"I've loads of things." Talia said, and crossed the room to her wardrobe. "Come pick something."

Gemna tottered across the floor, clearly stiff from the long day of riding in a bumpy coach, and examined Talia's clothes with a moue of distaste.

"There's no colors! What, you came to a place where you could wear anything you wanted and just decided "Hm, I think I'll continue to wear the blandest shades I can find?""

Gemna abruptly blanched. "Apologies; I shouldn't have..."

"Havens! No one expects that level of servility 'round here, except the Lords and Ladies." Sherrill broke in, casually flicking through Talia's clothes with nearly as much displeasure as Gemna.

"Ah, here you are, Gemna." she shook out a blue tunic. "What about this?"

Talia snatched it out of her hands before she could help herself. "That...I don't think she wants to wear it."

"You brought _that?"_ Gemna asked incredulously. "I burnt mine right before we walked out the door."

"Didn't want to waste the cloth; it's good and sturdy." Talia mumbled, then flashed a smirk in Gemna's direction. "Thought I could use it to patch holes in my other clothes. Maybe use it for a clout."

Gemna laughed aloud, then clapped her hand over her mouth. "Oh, Talia. That's terrible." her eyes twinkled. Sherrill looked baffled.

"It's a nice tunic." she said, and Gemna laughed again.

"It's her wedding clothes." she explained.

"I can see the appeal in using it as clout-rags." Sherrill said dryly, and threw it unceremoniously in the wardrobe.

* * *

"Talia!" Gemna ran up to her outside the library, eyes shining.

"I'm on my way to class; talk while we walk or hold your peace." she responded cheerily and set off down the hallway. Gemna matched her strides with her own, longer legs, and angled her taller, willow form towards Talia.

"I've been accepted into the Bardic Collegium!"

Talia stopped and seized Gemna's hands in her own. "Oh, songbird! That's wonderful!" she enthused. Gemna grinned at her and did a bit of a shuffling dance. "I have the Bardic gift, and they said my playing on shepherd's pipes counted for an instrument. They asked if I write music, and I haven't - not properly - but I'll get to do that, too!"

Talia blinked, then tugged the corner of Gemna's rust-colored uniform. "Already gotten these, I see!"

"And a room! All to myself, and it's huge, Talia!" her eyes were shining. Talia smiled, a little ruefully.

"I thought they'd stick me in a tiny closet when I arrived." she remarked, starting down the hallway again. "When they showed me my room I couldn't believe the size. But, I'm told that nobles have closets bigger than my room. We're a long way from the Holdings, Gemna."

"And I'd only be happier if we were twice as far away!" Gemna declaimed. "I've got to go find all my classrooms," Gemna said, a little apprehensively. "Don't know how I'll ever be able to find my way around. I had to ask directions twice on my way to the library."

They clattered down a set of stairs and out of the building into the open air. Talia pointed across the gardens. "Bardic is over there. You can get back to asking directions once you've arrived; I don't know anything about their layout."

Gemna grabbed Talia in a quick hug then stepped back bashfully. "Thank you, Firstwife." she said sincerely, then, "That's the last time I'll ever say that, I hope, but thank you for taking care of me."

Talia blinked away the tears that threatened to fill up her eyes. "Aw, get on wi' ye." she said, mimicking a peddler accent that had always made the littles on the Holdings laugh.

Gemna didn't smile or laugh, though. She reached out and touched Talia's hand briefly, and Talia, despite her shields being tight as she could make them, felt pure gratitude from Gemna, bolstered by the physical touch. She placed her other hand on Gemna's and tried to convey with touch what she didn't feel capable of putting into words.

Gemna did smile then, and set off down the gravel path towards Bardic.

* * *

A week or so after Genma arrived, the Blues began to target Talia, as she'd been expecting them to for months, or nearly so. It started almost benignly. While darting between classes, a passing Blue had shouldered past her, very roughly, and Talia had just caught herself on the wall. It seemed almost harmless, except that Talia was at the very top of a flight of stairs.

The Blue sped on his way without stopping or looking back, but Talia knew what she'd sensed from him - pure malice. She resolved to be a bit more cautious, and kept the incident to herself, hoping it was a one-off event.

But as though that action had been a signal, Talia was suddenly the brunt of a hundred such jostlings a day, sometimes accompanied by cruel pinches as they went, and quite a bit of the time an ink bottle was jumped into her satchel as they went by.

She almost told Sherrill, once, when she was near to screaming with frustration that another set of notes had been ruined - it half killed her to see paper so near being ruined when she knew quite well the cost of it - but bit her tongue. Sherrill, Keren Ylsa, Teren...all the Circle, really, had already gone out of their way to make her feel comfortable and spent time attempting to shield her from the Blues; she couldn't bring herself to impose on them further.

Talia kept her head down when she was alone and moved purposefully and carefully to avoid Blues as much as possible. If she could manage it, she stayed in groups of Gray-clad Trainees as much as possible.

What really frightened her was when notes started appearing in her bag and pockets. They were threatening and even the paper carried traces of vitriol and malice, but in addition to that, the ink _vanished_ after she'd read them.

If it had been ordinary notes, Talia told herself she would have taken them to one of the teachers, but as it was, all she had was blank bits of parchment and scraps of paper. She wondered, a little, if she were going a bit mad from the stress.

That thought increased when the very next note insinuated the same.

 _"Take the note to the Dean, little bitch,"_ it read in looping handwriting, _"Show them blank paper and claim it's a threat. See if they believe that you're not going mad. But you aren't...or are you?"_

Talia crumpled it into a ball and stormed down the hallway towards Alberich's training salle, equally caught between terror and rage.

After her class - which consisted of beating the stuffing out of a dummy with more force and precision than usual - she lagged behind until the last of her agemates had trailed out, sore and sweaty.

"Sir?" she approached Alberich cautiously. The Karsite, half-way into the next room stopped and eyed her with his curiously insightful gaze which made all Trainees feel as though he knew everything wrong they'd done in the last fortnight. She faltered a little but pressed on.

"Is there such a thing as ink that disappears after it's read? Only, I read about something like that in a story..." she invented an explanation on the spot.

"Heard of such things, I have." Alberich responded in his accented Valdemaran, and something in Talia eased. She _wasn't_ losing her mind! But what to do about it?

"Thank you." she said absently, and dashed out of the salle, lost in thought.

With this new information, Talia was relieved to have outside confirmation that she wasn't, in fact, going mad at all. There was a reasonable explanation for the disappearing ink on the notes, and that reduced Talia's stress a great deal.

Eventually, staring off into space through Teren's advanced Ethics course, she decided to continue on as she had been - ignoring the attacks. She reasoned that perhaps, since Talia didn't react, didn't respond, or in any way acknowledge the Blues' hostilities, that they would get bored with targeting her and leave off.

Her experiences with petty bullying on the Holdings had shown her that given a non-reactive target, even the meanest of bullies would grow bored and stop eventually, but someone who informed a superior about it would only be attacked more viciously.

It wasn't as though they were _homicidal_ , after all - only malicious - and they were young yet. Talia didn't want to be the reason that a student was expelled from the Collegium.

Indeed, as the summer dragged on, blisteringly hot and horribly muggy on any day within half a week of a thunderstorm, all the activity in the Collegium wilted and slowed down, bullying included. Talia thought she would have been more shocked if it had continued at the same level, considering how drained of energy she felt.

Her schedule was as busy as ever - more so, once she started taking lessons in empathy from a few of the Healers and one of the Bards with equal parts projective empathy to her Bardic Gift - and overall it was pure relief when Autumn arrived with a new, icy chill to the mornings and evenings.

With the cessation of exhausting heat, Talia decided that, Elspeth going off to foster over Midwinter or not, it was time to investigate the Brat - and without arousing suspicion in her uncharacteristic interest in the Heir Presumptive in any parties which might be paying close attention to her Royal Horridness.

Talia's first opportunity came at the next court dinner, which Selenay had asked her to attend at least once a week. Elspeth was present, as she was about half the time Talia ate with the Court, and in the after-dinner socialization, the princess ended up in a corner, sulkily staring at the lords and ladies.

Talia extricated herself from a dull conversation on the topic of corn taxes, and slipped over near Elspeth and leaned against the wall with a dramatic sigh.

"Awfully stuffy in here." she commented, careful to address it more towards the open air than towards the princess.

"And dull. No toys, and no one to play with." Elspeth returned petulantly, "And I can't leave for _ages_."

Talia hid a smile. They were such a common complaint for a little surrounded by adults. Perhaps the Royal Brat was more of a spoiled little, somewhat overly accommodated.

"Would you like to hear a story?" she offered, peering out of the corner of her eye to see the girl's reaction. Delight blossomed across her face for a moment before she schooled her expression to a fascimile of apathy instead. She shrugged one shoulder. Talia, empathy fixated on the girl, was shocked to feel that Elspeth felt guilty - but only after accepting the offer. Curious. She tucked the thought away and broadcast a mild aura of trustworthiness.

"How would you like to hear about Herald-Mage Vanyel?"

Ah, there was the flash of delight again, immediately followed by the stoic expression and shrug.

Talia winked at Elspeth, who flushed and turned her head away, as to deny that she had been looking at a mere Trainee, and began to weave the story. Elspeth, grudgingly attentive at first, was soon caught up in the tale of magic, adventure, and woe. When Talia got to parts in the story which featured Vanyel's Companion, Yfandes, though, little frissons of fear spiked through the girl's interest.

Elspeth's anxiety grew throughout the story until she finally interrupted Talia as she described a conversation Yfandes and Vanyel had right before his death. Possibly mindful of public decorum - for Elspeth's outrage was far more explosive that her outburst was - the princess hissed, "That's not the way they are at all! Demons!" before the princess clapped a hand over her mouth - guilt and fear coursing along her emotional landscape again - then paled dramatically and bolted across the room.

Talia pursed her lips a little, thankful that no one seemed to have connected the princess's headlong dash through the middle of the knots of talking nobles with the Trainee standing by the wall, and strode off decisively in the opposite direction.

She needed to talk to a noble. Jeri was a Trainee and the Queen niece, wasn't she?


	8. Chapter 8

Talia dropped by Sherrill's room to pick up Kalene, then went off rambling down the hall to find Jeri. She hadn't been in her room, which Talia had checked on her way to Sherrill's, so Talia checked the salle first, then went to Companion's field. Jeri was both Alberich and Keren's proteges, and it was even odds at any time of day that Jeri could be found in one of those places.

She wasn't in Companion's Field, either, so Talia went back to her room and sat down to pen her thoughts in a small, blank book which she'd been given by Jadus on her last visit.

Several pages were filled with her thoughts on Elspeth and the Blues before she leaned back in her seat and chewed on the end of her quill thoughtfully. It seemed to her that someone had been deliberately poisoning the princess against Companions and quite possibly Heralds as well, although it was difficult for Talia to think of a reason why. Any Valdemaran would want Elspeth to become a Herald so she could remain in the line of succession, unless they wanted Jeri instead.

She couldn't think of another reason. Either someone wanted to attempt to break the law which stated that only a Herald could be the Monarch, or they wanted Jeri as Queen. Talia tried to start lists of people who might want one or the other outcomes, but came up woefully blank. The people who might want Jeri as Queen only started voicing that opinion _after_ Elspeth became so terribly spoiled, and she couldn't think of any Valdemarans who were anti-Heralds.

Certainly, there were some nobles who disliked that the Heralds answered only to the Queen, but Talia found it difficult to believe than any of them would deliberately undermine the Heir Presumptive's future out of spite that they couldn't have their own, personal Heralds.

Eventually, she left the lists as they were - blank, but for the headings - and closed her book with a heavy sigh.

It was late enough that Kalene was sound asleep, which further vexed Talia because she rather felt that a cuddle with her baby would cheer her up.

In lieu of that, Talia carefully picked Kalene up, wrapped her up in the sling she'd fashioned out of a sturdy length of wool, and headed out for an evening walk.

Morose and alone with her thoughts - because Rolan was having an amorous adventure, and so Talia was keeping that bond _well_ sealed off for the time being - Talia paced down all the halls which were strictly within Heraldic and Trainee bounds. She had no desire to see any Blues while she was in a temper.

As she went past the library, Dirk emerged and dropped into step beside her. Talia eyed him out of the corner of her eye and tried to make up her mind if she were glad to see him, or put out by being around him. He made her awfully self conscious and embarrassed half the time, just by existing in close proximity.

"Heyla." he greeted her, and the black cloud lifted. She found herself involuntarily smiling at him, and she nodded by way of response.

"Walking the baby to sleep?" he inquired, voice considerately low and quiet.

"Nay, walking off my mood." she responded. He looked concerned.

"Let me know if I can help with that, little bird." he said, and Talia flushed.

"I'm not quite that small," she protested, half indignant at the address and half flattered. He eyed her theatrically.

"I seem to recall the Housekeeper saying you were the smallest Trainee she'd seen in a decade." he remarked, and Talia squared her shoulders.

"Still not that small." she insisted, then saw the humor in the situation and relaxed. "Suppose I'd win any race on Rolan, though, seeing as though I weigh less than a roast."

Dirk guffawed, then silenced himself with an apologetic look. Kalene stirred, then settled again. Talia gave him a glare.

"You wake her up, you're putting her back to sleep again." she threatened lightheartedly. Dirk, however, merely shrugged.

"I've five brothers and sisters at home, all younger. Kalene's sweeter and quieter than any of 'em. Prolly wouldn't be so difficult."

Talia tucked away the anecdote, as she did with anything she learned about Dirk, and ignored her confusion as to why she paid so much attention to him.

"What's new?" she changed the subject, not particularly wanting to dwell on her confusing feelings for the Herald. Dirk perked up a little.

"Lady Narine asked to see me again tonight," he said dreamily. Talia frowned a little.

"Which one is that?"

Dirk turned on her with mock dismay. "You don't know which luminous star is the Lady? Only the fairest in the court." he turned a bit more serious when Talia raised an unimpressed eyebrow at him.

By this time they'd strayed into the garden, and Talia dropped onto the nearest bench, rather relieved to be off her feet after being upright for most of the day. Dirk followed suit, patting the sleeping Kalene's head gently as she stirred a little again.

"Big brown eyes, dark hair..."

"That describes half the ladies in court." Talia pointed out, earning herself an injured glance from Dirk.

"She wears pearls a lot, always set in gold."

Talia's mind conjured up the vaguest of images of a rather snooty young lady who wasn't nearly as charming as she believed, and even more charming to the second and third sons than her looks and flirting deserved. Talia recollected that it seemed a Narine Selvyn was the sole heir to her father's estate and uncharitably ascribed monetary aspirations to at least three quarters of the girl's beaus.

"I think I recall the lady in question." she said politically, in deference to the metaphorical waves of longing she sensed pouring off the lady Narine's admirer. Dirk propped his chin on his hand and sighed, clearly lovelorn.

"She's so lovely, and," he added, with a sense of wondering, "she actually prefers me to Kris."

Talia winced a little. It was a very well known fact that Kris had half the unmarried ladies in the Palace swooning over him for his good looks, and not a small percentage of the married ones. Narine, wealthy and well situated, was apparently not one of them. Dirk, on the other hand, was extremely homely and not at all popular with the ladies at Court.

Talia tried to think of the Narine charitably - perhaps, as rich and pampered as she was, she was actually free and willing to look for love where ever it found her - but found it difficult to do so.

"And how long have you known Narine?" Talia asked, ignoring the part of her which asked why she felt so proprietary about Dirk.

"Six wonderful weeks." Dirk sighed again, and Talia suddenly couldn't stand to be around him and his _emotions_ any longer. Her newly acquired good mood vanished, and she stood abruptly. Dirk glanced up, puzzled and feeling slightly hurt, but Talia was in no mood to be conciliatory or even civil, for that matter.

"I hope your assignation goes well," she lied stiffly, "but you best be careful that her father doesn't catch you and toss you both in front of a priest." and she turned on her heel and stalked back inside, ignoring the confusion and hurt that Dirk was emanating back in the garden.

As she turned onto the first flight of stairs, she nearly knocked into Kris, who was rushing down the stairs, and her temper flared again.

"Evening!" he said, sounding, looking, and feeling as though he were in a rush and quite concerned about something. "Seen Dirk?"

Talia gritted her teeth, "He's off to play the lovesick fool. Again." then stormed off to the library. This sort of mood could only be dispelled by copious amounts of reading, she was sure.

It seemed to be the sort of night in which Talia bumped into everyone who wanted to talk except the one person she'd been looking for - Jeri. Just outside the library, she encountered Skif, the ex-thief, who was sauntering along in a brown tunic, looking as though he'd never heard of a uniform in his life.

"Why the storm cloud?" he inquired, stuffing his hands in his trouser pockets and eyeing her with concern.

Talia suppressed a sigh, forced her hands to remain open and relaxed, and reminded herself that it wasn't right to inflict her bad temper on innocent passers-by.

"This and that." she hedged, and decided to give voice to part of her woes. She waved him to follow her into the library and settled them into an alcove which she knew didn't allow sound to carry out into the main room easily.

Skif listened attentively to the bewildering situation regarding Elspeth and her reaction to the story Talia had told him, forehead wrinkling as he followed Talia's thoughts on who might be responsible and what their motivations might be.

"Here's what I think," Skif said finally, once Talia had rambled her way to a conclusion. "Someone's been telling the Brat stories, and she thinks that Companions are demons now. What do littles do when someone tells them a scary story?"

"Go to their mother." Talia responded promptly, then wrinkled her own forehead in thought, "Or whoever takes care of them the most."

"And that person, here in the capital of Valdemar, didn't refute that Companions were demons." Skif concluded.

"Well Elspeth didn't tell Selenay about it," Talia said confidently. "That seems to be the sort of thing she would tell me. She _did_ say that Elspeth screams and refuses every time Selenay tries to take her for a ride on Caryo, and that she didn't use to."

"What," Skif said grimly, "do you want to bet that Hulda's involved with this?"

"But Melidy wouldn't let her, surely!" Talia protested. "Melidy nursed _Selenay_ when she was a little. She wouldn't let an outlander nursery assistant scare the princess with demon stories about _Companions_."

Skif rubbed his hands together thoughtfully. "My curiosity's piqued now, and like the cat, I'l find out or die trying." he declared, and Talia's best efforts couldn't dissuade him from taking on the task.

"You're too busy, and have a child besides." he pointed out, "Whereas I am a known troublemaker. If I'm caught in an area I oughtn't be, anyone will think I'm just planning a prank."

"Very well," Talia finally agreed reluctantly, "but I'm going to tell Selenay and Elcarth about this. They can bail you out of trouble if you get into it, and it's the sort of thing they'd want to know I'd discovered anyway."

* * *

Talia's little book was filling up. She was careful to keep it as organized as possible, but between the lists and notes to herself there were entire pages filled with her thoughts and ramblings.

Lately, at Rolan's urging, she had started keeping a record of which Blues targeted her, and how they'd done so. He was little use in finding out their names, so she resorted to subterfuge - Sherrill and her mates.

Mostly the Trainees and the Blues kept to themselves and their respective Collegia, except for where their classes crossed. There were always a few friendships which transcended Collegia, but for the most people the students went around with those wearing the same uniform as themselves.

Sherrill and her yearmates had ended up in a feud with the Blues, however, and as such interacted with them a great deal more than the average Trainee. This made them an invaluable resource to Talia, as she tried to put names to faces.

She didn't tell anyone why she wanted to know the names of the Blues, but Sherrill - her instincts finely honed after years of pranks and fighting with the noble students - seemed to suspect that Talia was having trouble with them. The next few weeks held a massive flare up in the Collegia tensions, as the Blues were met with humiliating (if mostly harmless) pranks nearly constantly.

It took a little pressure off Talia, as they had less time to plan and execute their petty attacks when they were fending off the upperclassmen in the Heraldic Trainee, but when they did get to her, the notes, pushes, jostles, and whispered threats were more intense than usual.

One of them, shoving Talia into the gap between a wall and the banister, managed to do it in such a way that it wrenched Talia's shoulder, turning it black and blue and also leaving it too stiff to lift above her head.

Thankfully Talia didn't have any weapons training that day, and in a spare moment she went to the Healers and pled a bad fall off Rolan, which offended him immensely.

 _:We aren't even having horsemanship lessons this quarter.:_ he complained to Talia as the Healer carefully manipulated Talia's arm.

 _:So? I could have fallen anyway.:_

 _:No you couldn't! Companions never lose their rider unless they_ mean _to.:_ he insisted.

Talia maintained a stubborn silence.

 _:Fine, don't tell Elcarth or Selenay or even Sherrill about it. Tell the Healer, though. If you ever need to prove that the Blues have been attacking you, this Healer could swear that she treated you for an injury.:_

Talia likely would have remained stubbornly silent, for she hated conceding an argument to anyone unless she was absolutely sure they were right, but just then the Healer set Talia's arm back by her side and regarded her with a steely look.

"You didn't get that falling off your Companion." she said. Talia bristled a little.

"And how do you know that?" She tried to cross her arms, then winced and relaxed her swollen shoulder.

"For starters, Companions don't throw their riders that easily." the Healer said. Rolan sent a quick burst of triumph to Talia, and she glowered.

"And then there's the hand print on your other shoulder. I assume your Companion didn't put that there, either."

Talia blinked in shock, glanced at her opposite shoulder, and realized there was indeed a red hand print around that shoulder where the Blue had grabbed then shoved her.

"I didn't know that was there." she said, floundering mentally.

 _:Why are you clinging to this so determinedly?:_ Rolan asked, _:It isn't sensible!:_

"Er, no." Talia admitted aloud and by was of conceding the argument to Rolan. "I didn't get this falling off my Companion."

Satisfaction was written on the Healer's face. She picked up Talia's shoulder again and continued to Heal it.

"So. Who's been bullying you and why are you trying to keep it quiet?" the Healer inquired. Talia did a double take.

"It's not like that!"

 _:Oh, yes it is.:_

 _:Shut up, Rolan.:_

The Healer's skeptical eyebrow mirrored Rolan's response.

"If it were done by accident, by a friend, they would have come with you and still be apologizing for the roughhousing." the Healer said firmly. "If it were done in Herald Alberich's class, it would likely be the same. You came in, trailing a cloud of misery, more closemouthed than an Iftel trader, and hunched up like you expected to be jumped at from every corner. It's very obvious, Trainee, when one has been a Healer in the Palace for this long."

Talia wilted a little under this judicious application of logic and good sense.

"So," continued the Healer, "who's bullying you and why are you keeping it quiet?"

She squirmed internally and miserably for a few moments, opened her mouth, closed it again, reconsidering, then took a deep breath.

"Some of the Unaffiliates come from families which opposed Herald Talamir's opinions, and they appear to have transferred some of that antipathy to me. It must be because I'm Queen's Own, because none of them have spoken with me about my views and what I might advise Her Majesty to do."

It felt like a relief and a failing to speak of it. She felt lighter and guilty at the same time.

 _:It's not a failing, dearheart.:_ This time, Talia didn't try to refute Rolan, but she didn't accept it either. She cursed the Healer's sharp eyes and insightful gaze a little, both of which were still fixed on her.

"And you haven't told a teacher? The Dean? The Queen?"

Talia shook her head, letting her hair fall around her face, blocking out the Healer's face.

"Did it never occur to you that this knowledge would be useful to them?"

Talia blinked and straightened a little. It hadn't, not really.

"Based on which families the affiliates who are bullying you come from, they could tell, probably fairly reliably, which nobles are working against the Queen."

"I didn't think of that." Talia admitted, misery adding to her guilty feelings which were now leaning towards feeling guilty for keeping it secret.

"You should tell them. Or," the Healer pursed her lips consideringly, "ask your Companion their advice and take it under closer advisement. That's what they're here for, or so I'm told."

She rotated Talia's arm around then set it by her side gently. "Rest that for a few days - no weapons work, don't do any heavy chores - and you should be good as new." She jotted out a note, folded it up, and offered it to Talia. "For your teachers and whoever is running your chore detail." she explained.

Talia tucked it into her bag, thanked the Healer, and headed to Elcarth's office.

Best to get this over with, she supposed.

* * *

Talia sheepishly handed over the stack of blank notes to Elcarth, wilting a little under his gaze.

"Over a three months of this harassment before you decided to speak up?" he inquired, procured a round piece of glass from a drawer and inspected the top note carefully.

"I...well, yes." Talia said. "It's just that..."

"Didn't you think we'd believe you?" Elcarth asked, piercing Talia with a sympathetic look. Talia swallowed hard and willed herself not to tear up.

"Well, no." she forced out around the lump in her throat. "Being believed about this sort of thing isn't something I've ever had experience with." she finished with as cavalier a tone as she could manage. A surprisingly heavy sigh emanated from Elcarth's thin, bird-like form.

"Are you in the habit of lying?"

Talia shook her head.

"Well, then. It's our general habit to believe what the Trainees tell us. You do realize that if you were lying about this, Rolan would have already told my Altivo, and he would have told me. And Companions aren't in the habit of Choosing liars in the first place. That you were lying wouldn't have occurred to me, or any of the Heralds, I should hope."

Talia blinked back tears again. "Thank you, sir."

"For believing you?" Elcarth sighed again and rubbed his eyes behind his spectacles.

"I'll take care of the notes, at least, and try to do something about the damage to your class notes and the shoving. In the meantime, please do try to learn the names of those who've been the worst offenders, and stick with other Trainees as much as is possible for you, mm?"

"I have a list of those names already." Talia admitted, producing a copy of the list in her book and offering it to Elcarth. He perused it immediately, brow creasing as he read down the list of over a dozen names.

"This is helpful; you've been most thorough." Elcarth said. Talia inclined her head, drowning in gratitude for the whole-hearted belief and support she was receiving from the Dean and stood to go.

"Talia," he added, and she paused with her hand on the doorknob, "Do tell a teacher or myself if it keeps up."

"I will." her voice, embarrassingly, cracked a little, gaining her another of those sympathetic looks she was coming to loathe.

* * *

Later that afternoon when she went to Jadus's rooms to pick up Kalene, she found herself in a surprisingly talkative mood.

She waited politely for him to tell her about her daughter's day, cooing with delight when he told her about Kalene's relatively newfound and often exercised ability to roll over and sit up.

"Soon she'll be crawling all over the place! I'll be crawling after her," he said wryly, tapping his wooden leg with a gnarled finger.

"If that's too much trouble.."

"Nay." Jadus cut her off fondly "I should hope I could move faster than a bairn."

She flashed him a quick, grateful smile, then lapsed into silence again, trying to think of how to change the conversation.

"Something's on your mind." he said suddenly. She looked up, only to be caught in his gentle gaze.

"Well, yes." she admitted, and then the whole story was pouring out. Her justifications sounded even more flimsy to her ears this time, but she was still vaguely ashamed of not being able to handle the Blues on her own. Her voice grew quieter as she described her talk with Elcarth, and when she'd finished, she folded her hands in her lap and waited for censure.

"It's a disheartening thing, not being able to deal with these sort of things on one's own." was Jadus's response, to Talia's shock.

"Under normal circumstances - were you anyone but Queen's Own - you probably could. Bullies tire quickly of prey who don't fight back or react. If they were just picking on you, your avoid and ignore strategy probably would have had them backing off by now."

Talia regarded him with wide, surprised eyes. She had expected another lecture on her irresponsibility in keeping it a secret.

"These children, though, are doing it because they were told to, because somehow their families believe you're obstructing their plans. That's not something you can will away."

Talia nodded. "I see that, I suppose."

"It isn't right." Jadus sounded angry now. "Heralds only do what's best for the kingdom. There's never been a corrupt Herald in the history of Valdemar. There's never been a Herald who betrayed the kingdom. There's never been a civil war, thanks to the Heralds. We're incorruptible - this is known, it's widespread, and it's understood. That one of our own is being attacked... it isn't right."

He finished his little speech as defeated as he had begun it angrily.

Talia thought she understood his confusion, a little, from her studies and interactions with the common folk of Haven. Valdemarans were dependent on their Heralds, and felt lucky and blessed to have them guarding the country. They knew Heralds were fallible, yes, but they also knew that the Companions were an infallible guard to keeping Heralds as an institution honorable and honest. Heralds were thus infinitely trustworthy to serve in the capacities in which they did: as judges, arbiters, counselors, couriers, defenders, and fighters.

From that standpoint, it was bewildering that anyone would poison a Herald, or torment a Trainee. Inconceivable, even. It made sense that even the Queen, who was accustomed to court intrigues, would be loathe to believe that her closest adviser had been murdered by her own Council member or members.

Talia, accustomed to supposedly loving fathers who killed their daughters for presumed fornication and elder brothers who burned their sisters' hands with hot pokers, was decidedly less shocked. Clearly, Talamir was in the way of someone ruthless' goals. Just as evidently, they'd decided a young Trainee would be easier to work around than a veteran soldier, Herald, and courtier.

She intended to prove them wrong.


	9. Chapter 9

Talia had a small reprieve from the Blues, beginning shortly after her conversation with Elcarth, though she couldn't say whether that was due to Sherrill and her agemates continued efforts to take the scales off the Unaffiliates, or something to do with Elcarth's hated, but very effective politicking.

Autumn began to slip into winter, and Gemna began to slip into a state of constant anxiety.

"I can't do it!" Gemna uttered the words before she had even opened Talia's door. The handle rattled violently. Talia sighed and unlocked it, letting in a frantic looking Bardic Trainee in a modified version of the rust colored uniform.

Gemna was barely a month away from her own delivery now, which had compounded her stress of being well behind the average Bardic student when they entered the Collegium.

"What can't you do?" Talia asked mildly, adding a layer to her shields to buffer the wild, tossing waves of emotion whipping around her once-Underwife, now-friend and mentee.

"I can't learn fast enough. I can't write music anymore. And I _can't have this baby!"_ by the end of it, Gemna was almost screaming.

Talia clenched and unclenched her fists spasmodically for a moment then guided Gemna to the bed and sat her down firmly.

"You could write and learn better if you weren't so anxious about not learning and writing." Talia said firmly. Gemna shook her head miserably.

"I can't have this baby. I cannot do it. I didn't want it in the first place, but I pretended I did. I'm not like you, Talia. I can't study and have a baby at the same time. The Dean of Bardic said that if I couldn't keep up, I couldn't stay, and I can barely keep up as it is! It takes me twice as long to get to classes, I have to get up every half a candlemark to use the facilities while I'm studying, and I can't sleep because my back hurts."

Talia was at a loss for words - this was well outside her realm of expertise.

"Perhaps Jadus would watch your little as well as Kalene." she ventured. Gemna shook her head again. Talia wondered, annoyed, if Gemna was capable of uttering a positive at the moment.

"The Healers say it's far too late to drink moontea and flush it out." Gemna said, now quiet in her moroseness.

"Maybe...maybe someone knows of a family that wants a baby." Talia suggested. Gemna looked confused.

"People take babies like that? And raise them?"

"Sometimes, I'm sure." Talia said firmly, not so terribly sure herself. "Once, when I was a little, a Holding was almost totally wiped out by bandits. I'm not sure how - that's why we have walls and gates, after all - but they were. All the adults were killed and only littles were left, and not too many of them, either. Some of the other Holdings adopted them. Mostly married them to their own littles once they were grown - it saved on dowries that way."

"There aren't any bandits or Holdings nearby." Gemna pointed out dolefully. Talia just about could have shaken her.

"But there might be people who want a little." she said. "I'll ask around among the Heralds; you ask the Bards and Healers. Maybe the Healers know of someone who can't have a little of their own."

The very idea was odd to Talia, and a bit difficult to mention. On the Holdings, if someone - man or wife - couldn't conceive, she often didn't live all that long. Many of the barren wives disappeared or drowned themselves from the shame. The ones who lived ended up at the very bottom of the wives' hierarchy and spent their lives barely better off than the kitchen drudges.

Life in the palace seemed to be kinder than that, but it still seemed like a stretch to suppose that perhaps barren women in Haven were treated as well as a fertile wife.

Still, Talia would rather believe it so, and that Gemna wouldn't succumb to birthing despair and give up on living if she had to keep her child.

Gemna calmed down considerably once Talia had promised to look for someone to adopt the unborn little, but she stayed nearly a candlemark, talking about trivialities and playing with Kalene.

More than once, seeing how comfortably and easily Gemna handled Talia's baby, it was on the tip of her tongue to point out that Gemna would be a wonderful mother. Then, it occurred to her that all Holder girls were excellent with littles - they could hardly be otherwise when they looked after the smaller children from the moment they were old enough to do so - and the words faded away, unformed.

That, and her earlier thought about barren wives, started her on an introspective line of thinking. How many of her views and assumptions were based on Holder life? She'd seen first hand, immediately after leaving Alessholding, that life was very different inKingdom, but it seemed she hadn't really absorbed that.

She only confronted her beliefs, she realized, when they confronted her. When Alberich put the staff in her hand and told her to hit the dummy. When Elcarth said he was in the habit of believing the Trainees. When the Healer noticed and cared that she was injured. When Sherrill easily, happily, included her in her circle of friends. When Jadus offered her tea and conversation and to watch the baby, and he truly meant all three.

She wondered how many more things she believed to be true, when they weren't commonly held views inKingdom.

Gemna left, finally, leaving Talia's weekend morning blissfully free. She, by some miracle, didn't have a single obligation until the court dinner that evening.

A hardworking Holdergirl at heart, she only basked in that freedom for a few minutes before packing Kalene into the sling - a new, larger one, as the old had gotten shabby and thin - and set out to find Skif.

 _:Loverling,:_ she reached out for Rolan, _:Could you ask Cymry where Skif is?:_

She knew he was often in the salle, practicing his knife throwing, so she went that way while she waited for his response.

 _:She says he's in the salle,:_ Rolan responded, just as Talia stepped into the wide, mirrored room.

 _:Thank you.:_ she returned, and edged her way along the wall cautiously. Not surprising someone when they were holding live steel was one Alberich's cardinal rules, and one she completely agreed with.

Skif was facing away from the mirror - sensible, when each one cost more than a farm, and also one of Alberich's laws - throwing knives as fast as they appeared out of his sleeve.

Talia conscientiously waited until he appeared to be done, then cleared her throat ostentatiously. Skif turned, not at all startled.

"What news from the front lines?" he inquired, grinning. Talia rubbed her forehead.

"I never should have made this sneaking around analogous to warfare." she said, for probably the tenth time. "I don't have any new news. Just a list of things to do to get information." She looked at him expectantly.

"I," Skif said, playing to his audience of one-and-a-baby, "Have discovered something very interesting.

Talia raised an eyebrow.

"Something most fascinating." he went on grandiously.

"Are you going to arrive at your destination by walking away from it till you appear on the opposite side?" Talia inquired. Skif gave her an injured, put-upon look.

"I was sitting outside the nursery window when Elspeth complained that she was lonely and wanted to play with the other noble children. Hulda told her it was beneath her dignity as the Heiress, and she could only play with children of her own rank, of which there were none in the kingdom. Melidy was, to all appearances, asleep in her chair, but she woke up, all jerky-like, and said that wasn't right. Hulda bustled over with a mug of something and made her drink it, said she was confused. Melidy didn't want to, but she did once Hulda put it up to her mouth, and she fell asleep again as soon as she'd swallowed.

"Now. I'd say that was interesting, wouldn't you?"

Talia nodded, eyes alight. "That shows that Hulda isn't following Melidy's lead in teaching Elspeth." she said, "and Melidy is officially in charge of the nursery. I wonder what was in the mug?"

"Ah, I thought of that." Skif raised a finger imperiously. "I went and asked in the Healer's Collegia for a new mixture of Melidy's medicine - said she was out - and the Healers said she didn't have any prescribed to her. I said I must be confused, that she probably was getting a folk remedy for arthritis or someought, and booked it out of there."

"So it isn't a medicine, and it put her to sleep." Talia repeated.

"So Hulda's drugging her. The way Melidy was talking it sounded like she was addlepated, too, and she wasn't a few years ago we know, because that's when she had a brainstorm and fell down. The Healers fixed her right up, though, said she was normal again when they were done with her."

"Maybe she had another brainstorm but didn't go to the Healers?" Talia suggested doubtfully, and Skif shrugged.

"Could be. You think this is enough to go to the Dean?"

"What a naive child you are." Talia bantered. "I'm going straight to the throne."

* * *

Before Talia did go to Selenay, she and Skif sat down and wrote out every detail the ex-thief could remember, and she insisted that he come with her to see Selenay. He balked, unwilling still after two years off the streets to be in the presence of the woman whose laws he had so often broken, but Talia was an unstoppable force.

He accompanied her, only quivering in his boots a little.

As Queen's Own, if technically an unofficial one until she got her Whites, she knew the Queen's schedule quite well, and was thus in posession of the knowedge that unless something unexpected had come up, Selenay would be having a private lunch in her rooms.

It wasn't an uncommon sight anymore for Talia to be seen heading that direction, but it would be for Skif to do the same. They got nearly there before they were nearly seen by a courtier and had to dodge behind a tapestry to hide.

"Hold still!" Talia hissed when Skif tried to peer around the cloth. "I'm going to try something."

Skif obligingly held still while Talia argued with her brain. It seemed natural and was easy when she did with with Kalene, but when she tried to hide Skif, moving her shields was like wrestling with an eel.

Talia stopped trying for a moment and thought about how she'd managed to hide her daughter. She took a deep breath, thought back to the moment she'd instinctively hid Kalene, and smoothly extended it to cover Skif.

With a triumphant smile, she nudged Skif to go back into the hall.

"What was that?" he whispered.

"Figured out how to hide you; no need to sneak around the palace, now."

"That's amazing!" Skif's words were completely sincere - Talia could sense it. She flushed, tried to hide it, and was relieved to find they were standing in front of Selenay's door so she wouldn't have to respond.

A quick, staccato tap on the door, and Talia stepped inside, Skif trailing after her.

"Selenay?" she called, and ignored Skif choking behind her a little. She gave him an odd look. "She doesn't like to be called by her title unless it's formal."

"It's so odd, though." Skif protested, "A street rat and a holderkin calling the Queen by her first name." Talia rolled her eyes.

"We're Heralds; the streetrat and Holderkin bits don't count...Selenay!"

Skif whirled around, wide-eyed. The golden-haired monarch had her lips pressed together in clear amusement.

"Your Majesty!" he blurted out.

"How disappointing." Selenay mused, making Skif boggle. "I'd heard that Trainee Skif was a confident rapscallion with a cutting wit, and so far I've been very disappointed." her eyes twinkled as she regarded him. After a few moments of staring anywhere but at her, Skif regained a bit of his normal swagger.

"Even a rogue such as I loses their speech in the presence of such beauty and gravitas." he managed. Selenay laugh, rich and low.

"That's more like it. Come along and tell me whatever you've interrupted my lunch for."

Talia and Skif trailed her obediently through the hall into a small sitting room with an uncovered tray set aside. Selenay settled herself on her divan and regarded the two expectantly.

"I asked Skif to investigate Hulda and Melidy, as I told you and Dean Elcarth several days ago. Well...Skif discovered something."

Selenay's eyes were steely and her face solemn. "Tell me."

Once Talia and Skif had finished explaining, Selenay stood with a hard, angry cast to her features.

"I shall send to the Rethwellan court for a description of the nurse they sent, and I hope the description doesn't match. If they did send her, our friendship will be in jeopardy. Talia, Skif. Thank you for your service. I'll handle Hulda from here."

Skif, sensing a dismissal, rose to leave. Talia stood up alongside him.

"I can return in a few minutes, Selenay, but if Skif wants to remain unseen on his way to the common floors, I'll have to go with him."

"No, don't come back. Ask Elcarth and Alberich to meet me in my office as soon as possible."

Talia assented and followed Skif out of the Queen's apartment.

* * *

"Very poor, the timing is. Only a month later, and interrogate her while Elspeth is safely away, we could. " Alberich observed, once he'd been briefed on the situation.

"I know!" Selenay clenched her fists, then consciously relaxed them.

"We couldn't possible leave Elspeth in her care another month, I suppose." Elcarth sighed, "Not when she's pouring poison like that into the Princess's ears."

"Certainly not." Selenay said, wilting a little. "I'm not leaving my daughter in her hands a moment longer than I can help."

Alberich raised a meaningful eyebrow at Selenay, but said nothing.

"Don't give me that!" Selenay sighed. "She's always been...difficult."

"Difficult, or difficult for you to love, the child that like your husband looks."

Selenay blanched then reddened, as though he'd slapped her.

"That's not the point of this meeting." she responded tartly, and sank ungracefully into Elcarth's sinfully comfortable spare chair. "It's a month until we can send Elspeth away and keep it secret. Talia and Dirk are the only one who has to accompany her, because she can hide her on their way out of Haven, and because it's Dirk's family she's going to. Even if we could send Elspeth early and contrive an excuse for them to be gone, Talia's friend in Bardic's about to have a child, and it would be cruel to keep them apart. I don't see any way around the problem with timing."

"Then," Elcarth said, "I don't see why we can't deal with Hulda now, and deal with the fallout as it comes. We may find her collaborators - she's sure to have them. There's no other reason why an Outlander would impersonate a Rethwellen nurse and spend years of her life manipulating the Heir, who was barely out of infancy when she arrived."

"I wanted to have Elspeth safely out of the way before tearing down the house." Selenay sighed, looking resigned.

"Other choices, we have not." Alberich pointed out, "Unless willing to let your child remain under Hulda's charge, you are."

"I am not." Selenay said decidedly. "Alberich, go bring Hulda into custody. Elcarth, a Healer to attend Melidy and discover what she's been dosed with, and Jeri to take charge of Elspeth for a few hours while I arrange for another nurse."

The end of the affair was remarkably quiet. Hulda vanished from her cell the moment she was left alone, with no trace of her leaving. As Alberich had arrested her and only Heralds had known of it, Selenay made a point to mention the next day that Hulda had left unexpectedly due to a family emergency, and watched for dismayed looks.

Two days after Hulda's disappearance, Herald-Chronicler Myste finally found reports which confirmed that the Hulda which left Rethwellan was not the same one who arrived in Valdemar. There was no trace that anyone could find to pinpoint where she had come from, or where she had gone, despite Alberich's best efforts as the unofficial spymaster to the Queen.

* * *

Talia cast her gaze critically over the couple sitting across from her in the comfortable sitting room, using the pretense to hide her own discomfort.

The two men, side by side on a settee, were regarding her in return with hope and fear - reflected on both their faces and in their emotions.

Two men. Talia still found it hard to believe that such relationships were - if not wholeheartedly embraced - accepted inKingdom. And yet, here before her were a mid-level Guildsman of the Glass Guild, and his lifemate? husband? who worked as a skilled carpenter.

"Thank you for coming, Herald Talia," the Guildsman, a thin, tall man by the name of Caryl said.

"Trainee." Talia corrected him, "I appreciate your willingness to meet with me."

The pleasantries thus dispensed with, all parties at hand proceeded with the purpose for the interview. The _shaych_ couple, at Talia's request, gave brief sketches of their lives and relationships to her.

"Johannes and I had been together for three years when we realized we wanted to have children." Caryl said, "And since then, we've inquired at temples and in Healer's wards for an unwanted child."

"Of course there's no lack of unwanted children," Johannes said, "But we want a baby; to raise our child from infancy. We were ever so excited to hear that there was a mother who already knew she wanted to adopt her child out."

Talia gave them a piercing look, which made both the grown men fidget a little. She supposed they would have fidgeted more if they had known she was reading them as deeply as she could. Both of them seemed utterly sincere and guileless, unlike the majority of the other couples she had interviewed at Gemna's request.

With only a week or less till Gemna's lying-in, Caryl and Johannes seemed almost too good to be true, after the list of failures longer than Talia's arm they'd waded through. Gemna might not have wanted to raise her child, but she didn't want it to go to a house that wanted cheap labor, either.

This couple seemed to genuinely want a baby to raise and cherish, and had no ideas about using it for cheap labor, either, which satisfied Talia's requirements.

"Please send a letter for what times you can come to the Collegia," Talia instructed, "My friend would like to meet you before she makes a final decision."

Caryl and Johannes agreed immediately, thanking Talia a half a dozen times between the sitting room and the street, and only left off when Talia mounted Rolan and left.

 _:They seem suitable,:_ Rolan said, once they were underway.

 _:Yes, more so than any of the others. That awful merchant's wife, for one. She wanted a doll to dress up when it was little, and a maid of all work once it could toddle!:_

She could feel Rolan's disgust at the idea. She knew he shared her views on littles, which were quite different from Holder ideals - silent and obedient. Talia delighted in spoiling and loving and cherishing her daughter, and ensuring that she wanted for nothing.

 _:Do you know where Ahrodie and Dirk are?:_ Talia asked, despite the teasing she knew she'd get for bringing them up.

 _:Certainly I can find out.:_ came the too-serene response. Talia's face flamed, and she was thankful her Companion couldn't see her face.

 _:I want to find out what I should bring this Midwinter.:_ she strived for dignity.

 _:As you say.:_ He was too bland. Talia got angry.

 _:Havens' sakes, he doesn't care for me one whit more than any Herald does for a Trainee.:_ she flared, _:He's too infatuated with the noble chit that keeps stringing him along.:_

Rolan's manufactured disinterest faded immediately for concern.

 _:Ahrodie doesn't like her.:_ he confided.

 _:What does that have to do with anything?:_

 _:When your Companion dislikes a person, it's usually a good idea to take notice. Caryo_ hated _Prince Thanel, for example.:_

Talia took a moment to think about the implication.

 _:Then why doesn't he listen to her?:_ It wasn't a cry, but her mental tone wasn't far off from it.

 _:We only advise when asked or when danger is imminent, dearheart. It isn't our way to interfere all the time. Ahrodie has probably made it clear she isn't fond of Lady Narine, but Dirk has so far been choosing to ignore it.:_

 _:He's infatuated and it's ridiculous.:_ Talia said flatly, crosser than ever now. _:I should tell him that. How hasn't he noticed that he's one of a dozen she keeps dancing to her tune?:_

Rolan, not being posessed of the ability to go up and down stairs, and thus infiltrate the palace in person, had no response other than the theoretical.

Talia, tired of hunting for a family for Gemna's little, and bored since the Hulda affair had ended, went directly off to spy on Lady Narine once they'd returned to the palace.

She found Narine, about twenty minutes later, in a alcove in the garden. Talia drew the aura of unobtrusiveness she'd been working on around her, and hid behind a bush, just to be on the safe side.

It was cold enough that Talia could see her breath, and she wondered why Narine, a social butterfly, would be hiding all alone in a garden when she could be in a warm room surrounded by admirers.

Her question was answered when, just a few moments later, the crunch of footsteps on gravel became audible from her location, and a moment after that, a young dandy appeared.

"Narine! You came!" his face lit up when he saw her, and she smiled languidly.

"I hardly had anything better to do at this hour, Camen." she drawled, holding a dainty, gloved hand out to be kissed. He bent over her hand gracefully, blond hair flopping over his forehead, then settled onto the bench next to her.

"Where's your white shadow?" he inquired. Narine waved her hand, as though to brush away the very notion.

"On a courier run, thank heavens. It's _so_ tedious pretending to be fascinated by him, but well worth it with that dishy Orthallen waiting at the end of all this."

"You think it'll actually work on him?" Camen asked incredulously. "It's hard to believe that he's actually friends with that horse-faced commoner."

"He's a Herald, darling." Narine insisted. "He knows Dirk is utterly smitten with me, and he'll do anything I say rather than have poor Herald Tretham's heart broken."

Camen leaned back admiringly and whistled. "You're a stone-hearted wench."

"Don't whistle, please. It's so plebian." Narine scowled prettily.

Talia had heard enough. She nudged at Rolan inquiringly as she crept away, leaving the nobles to their scheming.

 _:How could she?:_ Talia fumed. _:It's wrong! She's so cruel!:_

Rolan felt very preoccupied when he responded. _:She wants what she can't get, I think.:_ he said, _:Tantris says that Narine chased Kris for a few months last year, but gave up when he wasn't at all interested.:_

 _:So she hatched a plan to force Kris to be her puppet with Dirk's heart as her leverage.:_ Talia concluded, bitterly angry on Dirk's behalf.

 _:Tantris is filled in on the situation, and says that Kris is in the library.:_

 _:Thank you.:_ Talia said curtly, and broke into a brisk trot in that direction as soon as she judged she was out of earshot of the noble duo.

Entering the library always had a profound effect on Talia, and today was no exception. Her irritation ebbed a little as she took in the two story stacks of books, and she sighed, grateful for the reprieve from her own anger.

She went around the outer edge of the library, peering into cubicles looking for Kris, and ducking out again quickly when they had occupants.

"Kris?" she called as loudly as she could make herself, and only ended up barely above a whisper. It still echoed alarmingly loudly in the large room; Talia winced a little.

"Eh? Over here."

Talia perked up and trotted in the direction of the voice, and found Kris behind one of the stacks of books, flipping through what looked like a history of Queen Elspeth Clever-handed.

"Heyla." he greeted her with some surprise.

"Kris." Talia clasped her hands together and inhaled a deep, bolstering breath. "I need to speak to you privately. "

Kris gave her a lingering, curious look, then nodded. She followed him to one of the private study alcoves and shut the door behind them. Kris carefully lit the oil lamp which were a staple in the library, and lit it with the candle he brought in with him.

Once the lamp's light was steady and even, Kris sat down on the sole chair in the small room and cocked an eyebrow at Talia. She sighed again and grimaced.

"You know I don't like Lady Narine." she started. Kris huffed.

"Neither do I. Dirk's sick of hearing me say so; he won't listen to me about her at all."

"I'm afraid we're going to have to make him listen." Talia said grimly. "I overheard her in the gardens with another noble - she called him Camen - and they were talking about you and Dirk."

Kris leaned forward, raptly attentive.

"She said that she was going to blackmail you into doing what she wanted, and Dirk's happiness would be the price. Either you dance to her tune, or she crushes him on purpose."

Kris hissed through his teeth angrily and ran a hand through his hair. "So that's why she's been leading him on. Blast and damnation. Not another one."

"Another one?" Talia said quizzically.

"I am uncommonly handsome." Kris said with a bitter twist to his lips. "This has been made abundantly clear to me since I was a child. It was a relief when I was Chosen, because at least if another Herald chases me, I know they're at least a decent person. The nobles..." Kris massaged the bridge of his nose looking pained. "Noble women have been trying to get me into their beds since I was twelve. Some of them...some of them weren't willing to take no for an answer.

"Dirk has been my best friend since I came to the Collegium. This isn't the first time someone has faked an interest in him to get closer to me."

Kris stood up, shoving the chair behind him so it clattered against the desk.

"Dirk is clever, honest, talented, and these nobles keep trampling all over him to get at me. They're so enamored with my face and my family, and they're desperate for the slightest bit of influence at court. Noble families think if they throw one of their daughters at me, it'll give them an in with Uncle Orthallen. And now Dirk will have his heart broken because of politics and my face.

"How do we get him to go off Narine?" Talia asked, fuming herself at the notion that people had been overlooking and hurting Dirk for their own purposes.

Kris deflated, all his anger gone. "I don't know. He believes that she's naive, gentle, shy..."

Talia made a face. "That hardly describes the Narine I saw today."

"No one would believe Narine to be _naive_." Kris said. "She's been tying men into knots on a whim since she came to court. She's faking it around Dirk, and not even very well. He's clinging to the idea that a beautiful, shy, sophisticated woman wants him more than she's successfully projecting the illusion."

"We'll have to shatter that illusion, then." Talia said decidedly. "And figure out how to do it in the least hurtful way for him."

A thought occured to her, then, and a slow smile crept across her lips.

"What? What is it?" Kris asked.

"Narine's hobby is toying with men."

"Yes." Kris agreed slowly.

"And Dirk's not the only one she's manipulating right now, is he?"

"I don't think so." Kris was catching on, now.

"So we do what I just did today - spy on her, but this time bring Dirk along so he can see, too. Oh! Do you know anyone who'd tell Dirk how awful she is?"

"I believe I know a few."

"Any of them feeling vengeful enough to thwart her newest scheme by telling their new friend Dirk all about her at length?"

Kris grinned at her with a feral smile that matched Talia's.

* * *

"Heyla." Talia sat down by Gemna's bed and took her hand gently. Gemna blinked up at her, hazy and pale.

"Morning." Gemna pushed herself upright then winced. "Ow. Alyss - the Healer - she told me I'd wish I'd never been born once I'd slept and stiffened up. Didn't believe her till now."

"I was sore, too." Talia said sympathetically. "But it goes away after awhile."

"It can't happen fast enough." Gemna said emphatically, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. Talia offered her an arm and helped her stand up and shuffle over to the wash basin on the other side of the cheery, airy room in the Healers' Ward.

"The babe is well; Johannes and Caryl are completely in love with him, and the wet nurse seems like a nice enough woman." Talia said carefully, watching Gemna to gauge her reaction.

Gemna washed her face methodically and dried it before responding. Her eyes looked damper than could be accounted for by the wash, but her voice was steady when she said "I'm so glad. Every babe should be wanted."

"They say you can see him whenever you want." Talia hastened to add, "They want him to know who his mother is. They asked to come see you when you're up for a visit."

Gemna nodded slowly, and eased herself into the sturdy chair with a wince when her weight settled.

"I..."

Gemna studied her folded hands, and Talia let her sentence trail off, unspoken.

"Please, would you tell Alyss that I'm awake?" her tone and posture was stiff, fragile. Talia pursed her lips but nodded.

"Yes. I'm glad you're all right. I'll be back later." she stooped and kissed Gemna's cheek before leaving to find the Healer.

Talia found the thin, honey-haired Healer in her office. Talia peeped through the half-open door and tapped it.

"Come." Alyss said absently, and Talia slipped inside.

"Gemna is awake."

"Ah. How is she?" Alyss was suddenly completely alert and focused.

"I'm not sure. She didn't want to hear about the babe. She asked me to leave as soon as I told her Johannes and Caryl wanted to see her again."

Alyss folded her hands and considered for a moment. "Talia, you've been taking care of Gemna since you met her, haven't you?"

"Yes." Talia said hesitantly with an unspoken "why?" obvious.

"That's not your job anymore." Alyss said gently. "She may be having trouble dealing with the idea of having a babe and not wanting it, but that might not be the problem at all. Healers - such as myself - we're trained to help people, and we can help Gemna. You don't have to try to fix her. Leave it to us to help her heal."

Talia made a bit of a face.

"You do trust us to help Gemna, don't you?" Alyss inquired. Talia sighed.

"I guess. It's just...it's not something either of us have had before. Healers. People who care."

Alyss smiled sympathetically. "Well now there are people who care, and Healers. Leave it to us." she repeated.

"Well, I'll have to, won't I?" Talia muttered. Alyss cocked her head.

"Why's that?"

Talia's eyed widened, then her face shuttered. "Never mind. Please forget I said that for at least the next day."

Alyss raised an eyebrow, but didn't press any further. Talia stood and up inclined her head.

"Healer."

Alyss looked amused, but inclined her head in return. "Queen's Own."

* * *

Early the next morning, in the gray pre-dawn, Talia swung onto Rolan with a resigned look on her face, Dirk already mounted on Ahrodie, with a slim, fast-looking dun mare sandwiched between the two horses. The mare had an empty child saddle; Dirk had a sleeping Kalene in a sling on his front.

"Take care of her." Selenay passed a comatose Elspeth up to Talia, then smoothed her daughter's hair, a peculiar expression on the Queen's face.

"Of course, Selenay." Talia smiled at the the Queen and squeezed her hand.

"Please give this to your family and thank them for me." Selenay circled over to Dirk and tucked an oilskin packet into one of his saddlebags.

Dirk attempted to do a horseback bow, paused with a comical expression as he realized he couldn't do it with Kalene, and inclined his head instead.

Talia wrapped the forget-me around Elspeth as Rolan whirled and trotted towards the main gate, the dun mare following obediently.

On their way out of the city they were silent and fast. Companions speeding through Haven at all hours was a fairly common sight, but this early in the morning, only the rag-pickers and food delivery carts were out and about.

Once out of the city, Rolan and Ahrodie burst into a ground-eating canter by unspoken assent, and they maintained the pace until they were several leagues away, and the crowded farmsteads had given way to long stretches of unbroken forest and meadows. As they slowed, Talia eased her grip on Elspeth and rubbed her upper arm ruefully.

"Oy, she's heavy. Sure you can't make that gait any smoother?"

Rolan tossed his head and snorted. Ahrodie trotted up abreast with Rolan and Talia, Dirk smiling and cooing at Kalene.

"Your little lady woke up a ways back. I think she's wondering why Momma isn't holding her." Dirk laughed, though he didn't draw his cloak away from her.

"She isn't cold, is she?" Talia asked anxiously. "Check her hands and nose, please."

Obligingly, Dirk removed a lined glove and felt the baby's hands and face.

"Warm and toasty." he reported. Talia sighed with relief.

"It's just so cold out for a little. Well, if she isn't hungry or cold, we'd better keep on till we're quite a bit farther before I unhide her little miss highness."

"Ma'am." Dirk doffed his hat playfully. "Although the saddlehorse could probably use a break before we keep going." he pointed out.

"How inconvenient." Talia commented.

 _:We've spoiled you for ordinary horses forever.:_ Rolan sounded quite smug, and from the startled laugh Dirk let out, Ahrodia had commented something quite similar to him.

"Ay, true enough." Talia agreed, stroking Rolan's mane fondly. "I'd never swap you for a saddlehorse. Unless," she looked sideways mischeviously, "maybe if they were swapping a Shin'a'in warsteed..."

Rolan punished her for the egregious error in judgement by breaking into a stiff-legged, bone-jarring trot for a few yards.

"Mercy, mercy! I recant!" Talia laughed merrily, clutching at Elspeth, who was still totally under the influence of the sleeping draught she'd been fed in the palace.

The movement drew Dirk's eye to the princess. "Place your bets now," he said, "Which child will be the most trouble - the infant, the little lady Kalene, or her royal Bratliness, Princess Elspeth!"

His tone was jocular, but dropped almost to a whisper when he spoke of the Heir.

"You're forgetting that my daughter is already an old hand at traveling Companion-back." Talia pointed out, "Rolan can attest to the fact that she was quite good at tolerating it."

Rolan huffed in what could have been agreement.

"Whereas Elspeth," Talia lifted her up a moment, "we've all seen how she reacts to not getting her favorite pudding."

Dirk winced. "Ay, that's no contest at all. How long will she stay asleep?" his tone suggested he'd be perfectly happy if it lasted the entire week of their journey.

"A few more hours at most." Talia sighed. "I do have more doses for when we go through towns, so she won't draw too much attention with a tantrum, or by claiming we kidnapped her, but we can't use it too often; it isn't safe."

"Pity." Dirk was completely serious. "I like littles - would have to, with the passel of them at home - but that one is something else entirely."

"She's a noble." Talia said wryly.

"Well that's not entirely fair." Dirk laughed. "Look at Jeri, Kris, and...and..." he trailed off. "I would use Lady Narine as an example, but I met an artificer down at the Compass Rose who..." he trailed off, looking a bit angry, but mostly pensive.

"What did he say?" Talia did her best to sound only vaguely interested, but thought she might not have succeeded, based on the sharp glance Dirk shot at her.

"You and Kris wouldn't have anything to do with my meeting someone with very cruel stories to tell about Narine, would you?" he asked suspiciously, "Only it is an odd coincidence, that I'd meet someone like that right after you two took turns trying to scare me off her."

"Bright Havens!" Talia said, exasperated, "No one likes Narine - not even her friends! Ask Ahrodie; she doesn't like her, either! The only person in the entire Palace who thinks she's a sweet, naive girl is you."

Talia turned away abruptly, hands shaking and face going pale.

 _:Why did I say that? He'll hate me? Should I apologize? Oh, Havens, I can't have him hate me, we've only just left!:_ she felt as though she were going to be sick. Rolan steadied her and lent her a reassuring calm.

 _:He won't hate you, but he might be quite upset for a bit. Wait half a candlemark or so then apologize, but not for your opinion: only for upsetting him.:_

Talia nodded slowly, and conveyed the acceptance to Rolan as well.

 _:I think he's asking Ahrodie about it, now.:_ Rolan added, _:She's very stubborn, so he might forget that you instigated it by the time he's done arguing with her.:_

Talia huffed a silent laugh through her nose and fell into an easy, silent camaraderie with him as they continued down the road.


End file.
